Valentines

   

 

Why is the Pacific Ocean the Pacific Ocean? Why not the Patricia Ocean?
The Taj Mahal? Not anymore. Try the Taj Ma Julie.
Leon the Yankee fan may not buy you jewelry but the New York Leons? Maybe.
How about your wife's own spot on the Table of Elements? You think Jennifernium won't have you seeing stars of your own? Think again!

  Since 1979, over 2 million unimaginative, desperate people have paid money to a few imaginative, wealthy people for the right to name a star. That's 2 million people. That's the right to NAME A ***KING STAR!
 
These star naming organizations (e.g. Intl Star Registry) have as much power to name stars as a piece of toast does - zero, zilch, nada. 
In other words, their renaming of a star 30 million light years away "Angus" (after your deceased cat) is as valid as our renaming of the Eiffel Tower "Angus" (after your deceased cat). [click here to read what the IAU, the only organization that can legitimatlly name stars, has to say on the matter.] 

  That's why, here at IAR, we'll let you name anything after anyone or anything and we'll let you do it for FREE. We'll then post it on our site when we get around to it.

For no additional charge, we'll also "record the name in book form in the U.S. Copyright Office" (that part's crap, we just like the sound of it). 

 

Old Name New Name   From Note
  beer Marge   Homer mmmmmm..Marge
  Uranus Prof. Smith   unknown I got your D-
  Ski-Doo Ski-Hugh   the tree pleasure meeting you
  Great Wall of China  Great Wall of Dolores   (blank) (blank)
  Boston Red Sox Boston Pahoua Sox   (blank) (blank)
  Element Philium   Ike Jones For a friend
  The Karakoram Katherine   Al Nice peaks
  TCU Horned Frogs The Sarah K. H***** Horned Frogs   Matt I like thing with horns
  ass Shecky   God (blank)
  Reuben Sandwich Lee Sandwich   Tom (blank)
  our dishwasher Ellen   Katy dont make noise
           

 

To be fair, the IAU does recognize certain individuals by renaming certain celestial bodies. Bach, Beethoven, the Beatles and Jerry Garcia all have asteroids named after them, usually at the request of the individuals that made the discovery. This begs a final question for anyone considering "naming" a star: why can you name a red supergiant 500 times the size of the sun after your dead cat while Albert Einstein only gets a chunk of rock the size of Newark?

   
 

Instructions
Choose from our list of options below (or suggest your own!), enter your preferred name, click submit, and sit back and bask in the glow of a choice well made. Then go out and use the $50 you just saved to buy that special someone something nice (and preferably real) or go get drunk, what do we care? All we ask is that you stay away from the damn bears from Vermont.

 

 


I. Choose One

Pacific Ocean "Liberal"
Chemical Element Los Angeles
Australia Niagara Falls
A Reuben Sandwich Hillary Clinton
Great Wall of ...
 A food group:
Mount __________
..(excl. McKinley/Denali, too confusing):
 Any pro or college team
...(excluding Arena Football):

Anything Else:

Note: we have discontinued the use of the following items at the advise of our attorneys:
excretions, tortures, STDs, any team from Detroit

II. Provide Info
(include email if you want to assure we get your request correct)
   
New.Name:   Your Email:
Your Name:   Note:

Note: your request must make minimal sense to be posted.
We also reserve the right to omit whatever the hell we want.