We at the HeadBoard are dismayed at the characterization of the CU Boulder community as one that is disrespectful to and objectifying of women. 

Let us say for the record that we have the utmost respect for chicks and are proud to honor some of the finest babes here on these very pages.




6/20/05 Dick Dastardly

Sen. (D) Illinois

The billions, yes billions, of bones flying around Formula 1 and FRENCH tire manufacturer Michelin can't provide just one shoe that wont blow up on U.S. soil? And then they want all of the parties that did get it right to sacrifice to save the day. Sounds pretty VICHY to us.

And how would you like to be Scott Speed (real name, no shit), the hand-picked American being stroked by Red Bull for an F1 ride next year? One day he's turning laps faster than entire F1 teams and the next he's deported to race anywhere but the US as long as he's driving F1. Our advise: grow tits or go NASCAR.



6/15/05 "bloody capitalists"
click here to bid!

You'd think that anyone capable of educating the G8 on economic remedies that will end poverty on the planet would also be capable of understanding the basics of supply and demand.

The washed-up rat gave away Live8 tickets for which there is record demand. Then he was surprised and indignant that said valuable and rare ducats would end up in the free marketplace.

Bloody stupid.

PS Bob, old chap, seems the corrupt African leaders whose pockets you lined with the proceeds from Live Aid would like to know where the line forms to replenish.



6/14/05 GOPornography

A porn star at a Republican fundraiser attended by the President? Scandalous. No, not because we have a problem w/ porn (hell, read this page for 5 minutes). The scandal lies in which starlet gets the call. Mary Carey? Too big, too toothy, heaven for fat, drunk bikers but doesn't even make the JV here. Consequently, the HeadBoard is in the process of securing an entire table at the event and sending a delegation selected by our editorial board: Jenna Jameson, Taylor Hayes, Taylor Rain, Tawny Roberts and Cheyenne Silver. God bless America and pass the breadsticks.



6/13/05 Iron Howard

The good news - Mike Tyson's boxing career is over

The bad news - An individual who would both fit in well with the power of the Democratic party and be a significant improvement over the current chair of the DNC is now available for service

We were huge fans of Iron Mike back in the days of Cayton/Jacobs/Rooney. No socks, no robe, just a towel with a hole (one pristine Koran from being a GitMo detainee), flat out devastating opponents up to 4 times a year.

We were never huge fans of Iron Howard but we are now.



6/9/05 Handicapping The Great ColoMinn Throwdown

Northern Alliance -180
Rocky Mtn Alliance +160
(get down at thegreek.com)

Every successful dodgeball team has that one reprobate who will take out the Down's Syndrome kid with a heater to the kneecaps. Just haven't seen that in the RMA.



5/31/05 Spilled Milk

The Indy Wrap Up you won't find anywhere else

- We did really well in our "who we didn't pick" section, knew Wheldon would burn us.
- Big Brother nails 1st and 2nd, Orwell would be proud.
- Pull certification from all Foyts immediately. (It is kind of humorous that the IVth took out the points leader in the other series)
- Oh yea , her.
Danica can drive and she has a nice ride but lets not let our erections get in the way of the facts.
1. she stalled in the pits when that was the one thing she needed to not do all day
2. she wrecked the 2 Panther cars UNDER YELLOW. How come no one interviewed Thomas Sheckter about Danica?
3. She passed Wheldon after the last restart seconds after Wheldon's owner Michael Andretti said he would rather be in second, not first. and
4. she was in contention in the last few laps by the luck of the pit window she created by crashing the Panther cars.

Bottom line is she copped to all of these mistakes and is a stand-up gal (though at 5'2", its hard to tell) who really does belong. But the coverage of her was abhorrent. Shame on ABC.



5/28/05 Greatest Testicles in Racing

Little Monkey's Pick

The General did his part by nailing Giacomo, now it's the Monkey's turn at Indy:

Thomas Sheckter +1500
We've extended on this firecracker before, came up short. Dude absolutely flies but can his patience and his Panther Chevy last 500?

Kenny Brack +1000
Our greatest pick to date, getting 40-1 on Brack when he drank the milk. He has a rocket and he knows what to do with it (down Danica)

Hornish +625
Our 3rd is always a frontrunner, hard to pass on Marlboro..er...Penske red & white

Tony Stewart +1500



Mrs. Franchitti

Who didn't we pick?

Hard to pass on Wheldon at +800, probably Michael's best bet

As for the rest of AndrettiGreen? Kanaan bores us, Herta really bores us and Franchitti's doing pre-race prep with Ashley Judd as we speak, both he and his luck will be spent

Danica can drive and she has a rocket (just our guess) but not this year. Then again, at 100 lbs, she's Indy's version of Bill Veeck's midget.

Does AJ remind anyone else of Jackie Gleason in Smokey & the Bandit? "ahm gonna go home and punch yo mama raht in the mouth".




5/26/05 Bolton hears a Who

If he (along with Horton) can save the Whos, imagine what he can to for the U.N.?

"There are 38 floors to the UN building in New York. If you lost 10 of them, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."

Perhaps the emotional Sen. Voinovich could use one of these Gillette Vibrance razors to cheer him up and help him unwind after a twying day.

How did McCain miss out on this guy? Jesus Christ, grow a pair.



5/25/05 wish we would've thought of it

This is Gillette's waterproof vibrating razor for women.

You're either thinking what we're thinking, you're lying or you're lying.

We predict this will sell better than any razor in history. We also predict a dramatic increase in shower time yet an equally dramatic decrease in shaved legs.



5/24/05 pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty,

Sen. Bombpop announces that he and his 13 popsicle sticks have saved the Republic.

This thing will blow up like Paris Hilton's skirt.

As far as we can tell, it will only take one of these 7 Dems to claim "extraordinary circumstance" when there is none. Notice the 3rd corpse from the right in the photo. The betting window is now open.



5/18/05 Not OUR kemosabe

Hard to argue that

Prof. Cracker has submitted his response regarding academic fraud and ethnic misrepresentation, including the smoking peace pipe that proves Churchill is indeed a native American:

- he is a member of the Keetoowah band of the Cherokee nation (oops, one day later they said he is a fraud who only got a ceremonial membership because he COULDNT prove a bloodline. Now it also looks like the Tribal ID # he gave CU when hired under Affirmative Action was bogus.shocking.)

- (my favorite) he has considered himself an indian since age 10. Well hell. I considered myself an indian when I was 10. And a fireman, soldier and Spaceghost's monkey (don't ask). Furthermore, I will be suing NASA for racial discrimination. After all, I 've been an astronaut since 1973 and have never been to space. Only reason I can think of is that I'm an indian.




5/9/05 trippin'

So Sen. Bombpop (R?-AZ) wants to save the Judge Fili in his backpocket for the rainy f*cking day when Repulicans need it? First, I don't want Republicans to use it (should we ease up on suicide bombings in case we need those too?) and b) if he would use it, why didn't they before the 9th circuit became the Electric Koolaid Acid Tests?


5/9/05 Bruuuuuce

Put the lib-elite in their pajamas and watch them poopie the bed.

Man, what a friendly crowd can get out of these people, it's like they're licking toads (or Bill Maher).

My favorite bleeder took me to an acoustic Springsteen show on Sat, (told her I'd rather drink Draino but she didn't take). Talk about comfort:



- Turns out the same poor bastards who haven't ate or worked since Reagan closed their mill in '83 are still around, this time blaming GW for everything from gas cans to mez'cans.

- Bruce announced that the Bush Admin outlawed evolution. The flock was actually cheering evolution like evolution was playing the Redwings (the missing links vs. the missing links). He has no idea how he comes off bashing people for their spiritual beliefs. I AM the Boss but I still can't get over Sister Mary Margaret.

The evening's worst offense? toxic boredom. Like deep vein thrombosis only slower. Two dozen songs about the dustbowl sang by someone from Beverly Hills worth more than Oklahoma was in '33. One more ripoff of Bob Dylan ripping off Woody Guthrie and gun goes in mouth.



5/7/05 Burkhalter's Lament
The General bypassed his usual trip to Vegas for the Derby and paid for it. (Notice his Super Long Shot Tote-board Buster below.)
We'll still take full credit for his acumen, even if he shoots himself.


5/6/05 Burkhalter's Derby Picks

Our Quinella picks

Though most of us at the HeadBoard look forward to derby day for sun dresses and bourbon, we do have a bonified handicapper on our editorial board.
Let 'er rip General:

Prime Pick-Afleet Alex-Has the experience and talent to sit a winning trip mid-pack. He'll have to make a big six or eight wide move at the top of the stretch, but his great late kick should carry him home. Just hope the betting public doesn't make him the favorite (he's the morning line 2nd choice) just to spite "The Boss".<g>

Best Value-Greeleys Galaxy-Give me an improving 3 year old with speed at double-digit odds any day. He killed 'em in the Ill. Derby and gets Desormeaux up. Worth a shot at 15-1 or better.

Super Long Shot Tote-board buster!!!-
Giacomo-In the "no balls, no baby" category. This son of one of my favorite horses (Holy Bull) has been a dissapointment. But he's trained spectacularly at Chruchill and has the late-running style I think it will take to win this race. At 50-1 you could do a whole lot worse...





4/15/05 Finally



Brian C. Anderson takes the lead in acknowledging the vulgar, drinking, gambling, porn-watching wing of the GOP, the strange (not to mention powerful and fiercely loyal) bedfellows of traditional conservatives.
In other words, the HeadBoard Wing

If you're reading this, you simply must read this book. Click now on Cartman or our librarian at the left to get yourselves a copy.

kick ass






4/13/05 Just what they want



As the Finkelsteins of the world ramp up to take Hillary out at the manly yet unscathed knees, we ask that you keep in mind who we are dealing with.

The Clintons welcome every stitch of nastiness that comes up during her '06 Senate re-election campaign:

1) she can eat a baby in Herald Square and still keep that seat and
2) as invalid as the claim is, they will declare that everything that comes up in '06 will be old news and previously addressed when it comes up again in '08.





4/12/05 Bohn of Contention
Kudos to CU for picking the right man for the job. Any acquaintance of and/or endorsement from S'head notwithstanding, they got a native with ties, a sports guy and a proven AD. The only question mark is his mental condition considering he decided to accept that position at this school. Ah, Joseph Heller would be proud. 





4/1/05 ESPN: "Allegations Led to School Scandal" WTF!?!



You couldn't tell from the headline above that the nonsense that was Lisa Simpson's Title IX extortion attempt against CU was SUMMARILY DISMISSED today by a federal judge who wisely summized that the case was tantamount to the Kopoeknes suing Ted Kennedy over the Clean Water Act.
We said all along that this was never going to trial. One of the 3 baled long ago and there is no way that either of the remaining two would take the stand and admit that a) the party in question was at their apartment, b) they supplied the booze to underaged recruits, c) a bowl full of condoms greeted all guests at the door and d) one (see left) asked a friend to join them as she was being "assaulted" (some friend).






If there is anything to be learned from the complicated case of Terry Schivo it is this:

If you haven't done so, make an appointment with your attorney immediately and put in writing the wishes of both of you should either end up in a perpetual vegetative state.

Most importantly - when your wife excuses herself to use the bathroom (again), add the following:

"I hereby give my husband permission to cease all life-sustaining nutrition for the following additional reasons:

- burning toast
- speeding ticket
- Buffs lose
- Ashley Judd












Playgirl editor-in-chief Michele Zipp  tells us what the Headboard babes already know:

"Those on the right are presumed to be all about power and greed – two really sexy traits in the bedroom. They want it, they want it now, and they’ll do anything to get it. And I’m not talking about some pansy-assed victory, I’m talking about full on jackpot, satisfaction for all.”

“The Democrats of the Sixties were all about making love and not war while a war-loving Republican is a man who would fight, bleed, sacrifice, and die for his country. Could you imagine what that very same man would do for his wife in the bedroom ”



In an effort to appease native American groups as well as the decidedly left-wing local population, the Washington Redskins have announced that they are changing their name to the Washington Churchills. According to owner Daniel Snyder, "after the years of controversy we have faced over this issue, we felt we owed it to the native American community to choose a representative that was in no way native American "






2/24/05 Rumor has it the NHL hasn't been playing, we didn't notice












During his speaking engagement at the University of Hawaii, Ward Churchill officially proclaimed himself full-blooded Hawaiian. When asked about his previous race of choice, Churchill responded "Been there, done that. Their food sucks and they all live in the middle of freaking nowhere. I'll miss the cheap smokes but what the hell, they always made me work on Columbus Day. And Christ, have you guys seen the golf courses here? The only thing "natural and inevitable" now is that I discover my bloodline traceable to Kamehameha himself and claim the tee times that are rightfully mine. And if I take them from any of you haole motherf*ckers, all the better. aloha."

As we've said before, the left could not help themselves but step in the pile that is Ward Churchill. Now, again in the name of free speech, even the "Republican" mayor of NY has to clean his Cole Haans. We can't censor 6th grade ingrates when they're writing to our troops overseas as part of a school assignment?
Uh, yeah, we can.






2/21/05 Flying with Pterodactyls



The only questions left for Hunter Thompson after the '04 election were what caliber and which chemicals would be his last. No way he was going to make it to '08, with or without John Ashcroft.

Like beer bongs and balcony jumping, the doomed Dr. Gonzo was a college indulgence that most people survived. If you saw him as entertainment, you're probably OK. If you saw him as political guru, might we suggest two hits of mescaline, 750 ml Don Julio Anejo and one loaded Valkyrie .44.

We'll always give him this - hallucinagenics are for professionals and there is no better place than Vegas to practice the profession (that's what we've been told).

"When the going gets tough..."



From Welcome to the Big Darkness
July '03 - The U.S. Treasury is empty, we are losing that stupid, fraudulent chickencrap War in Iraq, and every country in the world except a handful of Corrupt Brits despises us. We are losers, and that is the one unforgiveable sin in America.
Beyond that, we have lost the respect of the world and lost two disastrous wars in three years. Afghanistan is lost, Iraq is a permanent war Zone, our national Economy is crashing all around us, the Pentagon's "war strategy" has failed miserably, nobody has any money to spend, and our once-mighty U.S. America is paralyzed by Mutinies in Iraq and even Fort Bragg.

The American nation is in the worst condition I can remember in my lifetime, and our prospects for the immediate future are even worse. I am surprised and embarrassed to be a part of the first American generation to leave the country in far worse shape than it was when we first came into it. >


Our highway system is crumbling, our police are dishonest, our children are poor, our vaunted Social Security, once the envy of the world, has been looted and neglected and destroyed by the same gang of ignorant greed-crazed bastards who brought us Vietnam, Afghanistan, the disastrous Gaza Strip and ignominious defeat all over the world.

The Stock Market will never come back, our Armies will never again be No. 1, and our children will drink filthy water for the rest of our lives.

The Bush family must be very proud of themselves today, but I am not. Big Darkness, soon come. Take my word for it.

And this was just his ESPN column, no wonder he shot himself.



After an Anchorage man broke up with his girlfirend, he not only granted her request for one final screw, he agreed to let her tie him up to do so. To make a long story (and a stupid, horny man) shorter, we'll just say "sever" and "flush".

The bad news is obvious. The good news is that his brain was found in the plumbing system and reattached.





2/16/05 Lobsters



The Norwegians say that lobsters don't feel pain when boiled, PETA says they're just protecting their fishing industry. We propose boiling both a lobster and Ingrid Newkirk, wackjob hypocrite founder of PETA. Absolutely nothing would be learned or confirmed by this. We think it would be a great idea nonetheless.



In keeping with the theme, we welcome any excuse to revisit the story of Bob the Lobster. In 1998, Bob was auctioned for charity by a Denver restaurant. The winner of the 20-yr old lobster wanted to spare his life. Untied Airlines offered a free ride to New England. Bob lost one claw on the trip, many believe due to stress. It gets worse. Bob is taken out to the middle of "beautiful" Boston harbor, TV crews in tow, and released in an area rife with lobster traps. There's more? TV clearly catches the rubber band around his remaining claw that was not removed prior to his final plunge. Experts gave him 24-hours, tops. 








While being swept away by the great white wave that is Ward Churchill, we lost track of what's important -


The most successful Buff NBA player of all time visited the White House last week.

As former head of the CU College Republicans, Chauncey Billups was especially taken with the Commander-in-chief.

More CU Buffaloes played in Superbowl XXXIX than players from any other school (6).

And if you think we'd show those guys instead of a cheerleader peeling her skirt, you have too much firewater Kemosabe.





2/10/05 One Buff who had it coming



Christopher Faughnan graduated from the University of Colorado in 1986. While there, he met his wife Cathy, a native Coloradoan who would become the mother of his three children. We invite you to read more about him here.

Christopher Faughnan was a trader for Cantor Fitzgerald and was at his office on the 103rd floor of the WTC North Tower on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001. He was not a waiter or a janitor or a fireman. He was a trader. This husband and father was exactly the type of person who Ward Churchill insists got what was coming to him. Incidently, on that day when this "little Eichmann" got his, his daughters were 7 and 5 and his son was 3.



Using Prof. GreatWhitePieceOfShit's favorite phrase, it was "natural and inevitable" that the vocal left step in the pile of doodoo that he provided. What started out as "we disagree with him but protect his right to say it" has slowly morphed to "we agree with what he is saying but have a problem with how he said it". Once again, they just couldn't help themselves.








How great is this - the latest blemish on Professor Great White Piece-of-shit's dancecard is from a 1987 Denver Post article where Paleface admits to teaching weapon use and bomb making to the radical group, The Weather Underground.

Now the best part - our favorite lazy, left-leaning newspaper didn't even discover their own article. It took diligent citizen and former HeadBoard burrito supplier (no shit) Peter Photopolis to do the research. Way to go Burrito Man, you are big time. And we'll take 2 beef-and-beans and one Ring-O-Fire w/ extra hot sauce.



"I wuv him dis much"



"U.S. out of North America,
U.S. off the planet and
take Canada with you when you go!"

- Former Native American Ward Churchill,
from a speech in Vancouver, Sept. 2004



And it's awfully big of conservatives such as Limbaugh, Hedgecock, Horowitz and O'Reilly (oh yeah, he's not a conservative) to encourage retaining Churchill as a blaring example of what's wrong in academia and America's left. Good intention. Problem is, it's not their school's reputation going in the toilet, their tax dollars lining the pockets of this piece of shit or their endowment being kicked in the endowment.



Finally, we said the LuvGov is once again grandstanding. What we didn't say is how much we appreciate that he is.

Like good cholesterol.





2/4/05 Essays actually worth reading



As the Jingos we are, we get all warm and fuzzy over the rare occurances of praise for the U.S. from foreign shores, especially when combined with a well-deserved kick to the European cohones.

Most are familiar with Canadian Gordon Sinclair's 1973 essay that got considerable attention post 9/11, mostly through inaccurate emails. This week, we came across Europe, Thy Name Is Cowardice, a Nov. 2004 essay by the CEO of a large German (yes, German) publisher that spelled out Europe's pattern of appeasement so effectively that even Barbra Box...um...I mean Barbra Streis...er...a Barbie doll would get it.



We are nothing if not consistant. When the LuvGov grandstanded over the Gary Barnett issue, we said so. As much as we agree with him in his disdain for Ward "I said call me Cochese dammit" Churchill, he's doing it again. One interesting difference - his new adversaries wiil surely have less restraint regarding the LuvGov's peccadillos than his previous ones. Stay tuned.










2/2/05 Toontroversy
Forget the controversy (or contrived controversy) involving James Dobson and Sponge Bob et al. The real crisis in the animated world is the widespread vilifying of young female characters. And we're not talking about simply empowering these girls. We're talking about down right bitchifying. You think we're making this up? You think we're joking? We came up with these little villainesses without even trying:
The Rugrats

The rest owe their careers to the Johnny Carson of the genre

Hey Arnold

Angelica with PMS

Jimmy Neutron

Little penis envy personified

Dee Dee
Dexter's Laboratory

Dex's sis is more of a nuisance but unlikable nonetheless

Fairly Odd Parents

Timmy's babysitter strives for world domination, the only non-blonde in our list

Imagine if TV was around
when Maureen Dowd was a girl. Imagine if electricity was around when Eleanor Clift was a girl.



Now, the positive. Current TV cartoon characters we'd do:
Kim Possible (assuming she's 18)
Perky breasts, tight belly, flexibility of a Romanian gymnast

Shego, Kim Possible's nemesis
Just like Kim but NASTY

Trudi Proud, The Proud Family
A little bit of mocha MILF heaven

Mrs. Possible
Mission: In Possible





2/1/05 A Crayola analogy for why there is not a scheduled troop withdrawal
Honey, I'm going to Hooters to watch the Super Bowl. When will you be home? When it's over. When will that be? When one team has won. Well, what time will that be? I don't know. Why? Too many unknowns. Well, can't you tell when the game will finish? Umm…No. You should still give me a time. Not gonna happen. Why? Because when I give you a time and then I am not home by that time, you'll be pissed off and I won't get sex. Well, if you can't give me a time, you won't get sex anyway so you're screwed (or not screwed) either way. Good point, I've changed my mind.
Good, what time will you be home?

10 o'clock


Going to Vegas.

We have paid a great price to gain the fragile faith of the Iraqi people that is fundamental to success. Sunday's successful election verifies that faith. Not meeting withdrawal dates that we carelessly provide would decimate that faith. And all so that a truly disgraceful bloated pickled bridge-averse trust fund Senator from Mass. can say he told us so. 





1/28/05 womp 'im
That school near and dear just can't keep out of the national headlines. This time, head of the Ethnic Studies Dept. Ward "no, seriously, I am a native american" Churchill is getting the attention for an essay he wrote in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks suggesting they were justified.
Some People Push Back: On the Justice Of Roosting Chickens, he said America was merely reaping what it had sown through a long history of violent domination and assault upon indigenous people.

Noted Indian Activist
Ward Churchill

"There is simply no argument to be made that the Pentagon personnel killed on September 11 fill that bill" as innocent victims, Churchill wrote. "The building and those inside comprised military targets, pure and simple."

As to those in the World Trade Center . . . "Well, really. Let's get a grip here, shall we? True enough, they were civilians, of a sort. But innocent? Gimme a break." The essay goes on to describe the victims as "little Eichmanns," referring to Adolph Eichmann, who executed Adolph Hitler's plan to exterminate Jews during World War II.

The amazing thing about this is when he wrote it - SEPT 12, 2001. What kind of all-encompassing, distorting hatred would one have had to have? Almost as amazing - it took a scheduled appearance at Hamilton (NY) College more than 3 years later to bring this to light.

Knowing our university and the power of tenure, we have little hope for his dismissal but if you feel so inclined, sign a petition to fire this piece of shit.





1/27/05 Let Freedom Ring

Deeyah, a muslim singer, has been attacked and has received death threats because she exposes too much of herself.

We at the HeadBoard see this less as exposing herself and more as expressing her freedom. In fact, we encourage her to express her freedom even further. As much as possible. Express, express, express. Long, lean freedom. Supple, perky freedom.





1/26/05 unseemly

To paraphrase The Who: Meet the new boss, he's the same as the old boss. Nice to see that the new minority leader in the Senate has the same spirit of cooperation as his predecessor. Reid's vote against Rice pretty much fills in the blanks.

Boxer, Jeffords, Bird and Kennedy

Every time we stumble upon a nude beach, we see exactly what we hope to avoid - a bunch a fat guys' penises and old womens' breasts. Kind of like Boxer/Kennedy/Bird at Rice's confirmation - an abhorrent display to anyone except those participating.

"C'mon Uncle Teddy, football on skis was a family tradition too but we don't do that anymore"





1/24/05 T.O. be or not T.O. be

The most pissed off people after Sunday's games? Those with the early tickets on the NFC getting 7. If Pitt had pulled it off instead of just pulling it, those resourceful early bettors would have got a 10-13 point jump on the spread (Philly would have been favored over Pitt by 3-6). As it turned out, they got what most everyone else will get. And lay the 6 1/2 while you can, it will hit 7 by tomorrow and there will be no turning back.





1/21/05 d'oh

Not to jump to unfair conclusions but...





"Senator Boxer, we have the
results from your X-ray..."






1/20/05 so cute we could puke (no more)

You all agree but we're petty enough to admit it - we revel in the failure and misery of these two beautiful idiots.

Why is that you say?

Going out with a bang

"Bush is a fucking idiot" - Jen, Rolling Stone Interview

"We'd pass her [a 17-yr old Jenna Bush] in the hall, and Brad would say, 'Heyyyy, Jenna, wanna beer? I got one in the truck!'" - Jen, Rolling Stone Interview

"The past few years of conflict mean that yet another generation of Israelis and Palestinians will grow up in hatred," reads a statement from Pitt and Aniston. "We cannot allow that to happen." - Brad & Jen in the Daily Telegraph



Inauguration Presents from the Party of the Ass

1.Delaying confirmation of Condi Rice so that Kennedy and
Leahy could fully declare their support
2. The DNC is about to become the DeanNC
3. the best for last...





1/18/05 the cocktail napkin

Prompted by the tax-cut-led economic growth of the past eighteen months, YTD tax collections grew by 10.5 percent according to the TreasDept's latest report. It worked when Kennedy did it, it worked when Reagan did it and it has worked once again - A TAX RATE CUT HAS LED TO INCREASED TAX REVENUES (*some details below).

What sucks is the surprising number of Red voters who still don't understand this principle, including a Senator from AZ who claims that in a time of war and a struggling economy, we can't afford a tax cut.


*From Kudlow in NRO
With 50 percent cash-bonus expensing for the purchase of plant and equipment, productivity-driven corporate profits ranging around 20 percent have generated a 45 percent rise in business taxes. At lower income-tax rates, employment gains of roughly 2.5 million are throwing off more than 6 percent in payroll-tax receipts. Personal tax revenues are rising at a near 9 percent pace.

Laffer's Curve is a simple enough concept that should be familiar to everyone on this side of Barbra Boxer on the bell curve

maybe this will help
generate interest





1/17/05 Homer
The home field advantage during the NFL playoffs is like a vagina - some have it and know what to do with it, some have it and don't have a clue what to do with it, some don't have it but make the most of others and some don't have it and are lost without it.

Denver lost this year's playoff game weeks before their trip to Indy. Similarly, Indy lost yesterday's game in Week 1. Both Indy and, even more so, New England know exactly what to do with the home field. Contrarily, the two Pennsylvania teams know less about what to do with the home field vagina than any teams in the league. Should make for an interesting weekend, make ours Chowda and cheesesteak.

And speaking of vaginas, Peyton continues his string of being somebody's. Couldn't beat the Gators, can't beat the Pats.



Aye of Newt

Trust us, he's just sellin' books. We like Newt, we often agree with Newt, we know that Newt could never be elected President and we know that Newt knows that too. We watched twice now as the Dems feebly tried to counter that "it" that GW has. We would watch in horror as they exploited Newt's lack of the same. Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, end of story. 





1/14/05 ?

In her latest, Maureen Dowd laments that men don't want her because men only want dim, subservient women. That's like saying men don't want genital warts because men only want Ferraris.

As perpetually horny as the HeadBoard staff is, this is a hurdle none of us could overcome. In fact, we're shaking as we type this. It burns. Break the glass......

  .......ahhhhhhh, better now

Remember - this kids dad chose....

this over ..........this

so what the hell did you expect, Newton?





1/12/05 pass me a tissue


Couric: When your story broke, Coach Barnett, as you well know, held a press conference in which he said, "She was awful..."

No mention that those three words were part of an answer to the direct question of why the players resented her. Answer: they resented her because she didn't earn her way onto the team. She didn't earn her way because she COULDN'T KICK

Hnida: For me that was the Coach Barnett that I knew. That was the way that he had dealt with me throughout the year that I spent with him on his team. That was his disposition towards me.

What the hell did she expect? In '99, Barnett let 3 walk-on kickers go, all of whom could out kick Miss Katie. Think they'd didn't "have a dream" to play for CU too? So yes, there was probably some resentment. Sue him. For the first time, someone didn't want Dr. Dave's homecoming queen. Welcome to life. (20-20, he should have been the prick back then that everyone is portraying him to be now and reneged on the previous coach's promise, sending her to Shangralalbuquerque.)

Couric: But, it wasn't just questioning your athletic ability. He said you had kissed everybody on the team.

Couric gives the impression that he made these comments in the aforementioned press conference. In fact, a similar statement was part of his grand jury testimony taken under oath. The truth was that someone had, in fact, relayed such stories to him. He was bound by the law to provide that information when queried. Incidently, the testimony was leaked illegally, not provided by Barnett. Finally, Barnett's factual testimony was in stark contrast to the deposition of Boulder DA Mary Keenan where she testified that, though she lacked evidence to press charges in any of the pertinent sexual assault cases, SHE FELT THAT THERE WAS A PRESENCE OF GUILT. fabulous.

Hnida: No.

Couric: That you had done lap dances?

nah, too easy

Hnida: Unbelievable things. I can handle him saying I'm a crappy kicker. I can handle him saying whatever he wants about me, you know, in the athletic arena. But, to attack my character, to attack who I am as a person is completely unacceptable, and I think it's despicable.

Who has attacked who's character? Though according to script, that interview was completely unacceptable and despicable. Hopefully, she'll grant an interview with a more objective party. Capils would do fine.





1/10/05 she's on fire!

Katie Hnida, looking resplendent in an indigo silk blouse (gotta be D. Karan!), golden hair coiffed yet disheveled (we see Raquel Welch, meow!), was interviewed by Katie Couric (looking several years past resplendent) today on TODAY.

We called Hillary Swank in the title roll back in February.

No way that this appearance has anything to do with rumored book and/or movie deals. You go girl, next stop - the NFL!

Randy likey,
yeah baby!

Seriously, Miss Hnida indicated today that the investigation into her rape is ongoing with the Attorney General and some unnamed Boulder law enforcement entity. Give us a fucking break, sounds like someone has hired a PR firm. Gloria Allred's next. Rape allegedly occurred in '99, '05 sounds like a good year to get it going. Forget about 5 years worth of other potential victims and all of the players whose reputations were trashed en masse because she wouldn't finger the perp when she felt compelled to pile on. She did, after all, have elegibility left.



This requested rare photo of now famous Desperate Housewife Eva Longaria was taken at a party on the banks of the Arkansas River in Pueblo, Colorado.

We don't care if you're homeless or a bank president, we take care of our customers.

Ay chi baba





1/09/05 Game On, Eh

Shit. As of 14:13 MDT, it is officially hockey season. We expected the Colts to fade last year, they did. They will not fade this year. And thanks once more to Headlights and the Bills for losing to the Steelers' lunch ladies last week to seal our doom. No one and we mean no one would beat Manning in Indy this year. There was a reason we wanted SD and Marty came screaming through (way to set up the rook). And the Post's Terry (dontcallmeamber) Frei thought Barton's hit was unintentional? Have to respect a writer who covers games drunk, maybe we could do that. Hell, we were pulling for the Chargers at that point just to see the tsunami-like carnage in the tri-state area.

Speaking of hockey, a beloved HeadBoard alma mater swept the Golden O-fers in a battle of 1-2s this weekend. Makes up for the concerted drubbing the Norse put on the rest of us. Voting went as predicted though Mark Roberts had a better representation of talent for his awards and got the winner correct. (The pastor chose not to link here? A good man nonetheless.) The one that will win never gave up the lead but never was worthy of it either.




We Hneed a drink

hey coach...got a little..um.. something on your...uh...

Most people have the class to move on regarding the Katie Hnida situation. Fortunately, were are not so burdened. Miss Katie got a nice writeup in Sat's RMN and will be on the Today Show tomorrow (hard to imagine how that will go). For a quick refresher:

- her handling of the situation should not be held up as an example of what to do if sexually assaulted but exactly what not to do. Act early and act specifically or don't bring it at all.

- for the last time - Barnett was responding to the question of why his players resented her, not why was she raped. Fact: she could not kick her way onto a single D-1 program in the country.

- Rocky Long was either misquoted in the RMN or he is just flatout a low-rent lying piece of shit when he "swears" that Hnida earned her spot on the UNM team. Sorry coach, for some reason I think we could find at least a dozen kids from the rez alone that would out kick her for a walk-on spot. It was a nice gesture to give a gal a spot but have the onions to admit what it was - charity that you were all to happy to wallow in the glory of. You just want to get your licks in with the rest of 'em, that's why you'll always be a coach at a hind tit like UNM. And a low-rent, lying piece of shit.








1/07/05 The Perverted Little Engine That Could

Out of the morass of 325 entries to the Hugh Hewitt genu-fest, The HeadBoard nails 2 of the 10 finalists and we didn't even use babes to get there. Now is when the cronyism kicks in and we get our asses handed to us, but what the hell, it stroked us. vote for #89 or #200.

A few that we think were deserving: #17 Al Gore, #25 Monolith, #259 Ratpack, #265 LGF's revisiting of Rathergate (the only other animation besides the #193 Monty Python Foot, what we considered our best) and finally, #315 Ralphie's soap. Originality was at a premium.



Another holiday season, another successful radio barrage by Rocky Mozel and the Intl Star Registry. Talk radio would be a good place to expose what a scam this practice is but you never hear a word of it due to the huge amount of $$ ISR spends on advertising. So here is everything any desperate soul needs before they take the leap.



And let us clarify - we aspire to be ISR. Anyone who can legally (barely) screw buyers out of $70 million for hot air is our hero. And why should Clear Channel fall on the sword to protect idiots who should be protecting themselves? God Bless America.


1/06/05 HeadBoard Physics 101

Irresistible Force v. Immovable Object

The Overstock.com O woman and Smilin' Bob, the Enzyte guy.

You'd pay-per-view that, you know you would.



McAuliff back in play, Dean still in play. Boxer gets deaked into acting like she's in a Boulder City Council meeting. Leahy looks like OU to Gonzales' USC. It's beyond these guys doing what we hope they would do. Now, they're finding ways to screw themselves that we wouldn't even think of.



1/05/05 Happy New Year

Bowl Dump

All in all, a very entertaining bowl season.

- The Buffs overcome themselves and a MWC ref crew for a surprisingly sweet and meaningful win. (For those of you who are on to the selective reporting of old media regarding politics but are unexplainedly willing to accept every sound byte about the Colorado football program from the same sources as gospel, here is your chance to educate yourselves.)

- The Liberty lived up, Georgia ressurected the immaculate reception, Iowa provided one of their own, ASU toyed w/ Purdue's emotions and the Rose was an instant classic (piss on Blue). Needless to say, we at the HeadBoard spent many semi-coherent hours in front of the tube with one hand on a beer and the other on our joysticks.

- the most anticipated 1-2 NC game laid a monumental egg as history predicted it would (maybe we were too quick with the mea culpa). Tuberville had the same look Belotti did at halftime of the '01 Rose Bowl - "sure, (gulp) we'd like to play 'em." Considering the talent disparity in the Big XII Champ and the game last night, we're thankful for X-country and skiing.

We don't want to but we have to just once

Ashlee Simpson is now an icon for bad, probably to an unrecoverable point. Even the 10-yr olds now have to deny her or face the ridicule that can be fatal to them. We see a rapid decent into sloe gin and heroin, ending with a string of night-vision pornos that will be offered ad nauseum to all of us from xbtyzxh@istoleyourdomain.com. Or worse >

(If anyone knows Mr/Ms xbtyzxh, please pass on that it's not bigger, it won't last all night, the neighborhood MILF was NOT aching for it and I want my goddamn money back.) 



12/27/04 30 days in the hole, food not bad, cable could be better...

Since we've been "away":

-Buffs got absolutely decimated in KC, the second easiest money of the year (-21.5). Broncos got only slightly less decimated in KC, the easiest money of the year (+1!). Where's the Greek when you need him.

- Our man Rumy taking heat in every orifice. A planted question from a Tenn NG soldier gets the left's ire back. As expected, one line (and a valid one at that) of SecDen's response played ad naseum, pertinent portions omitted. Turns out the unit of the questioning soldier was over 97% armored at the time of the question, fully shortly after. We are still, however, looking for a reasonable explanation for not hand-signing condolence letters. But the best way to deal with such a blunder is to admit it was one, change and go on. Man, that pisses 'em off at Air America where the person not signing the condolence letter is more villified than the terrorist who made it necessary.
VDH says it all (there, now we're like all the other blogs, you happy?).

There, now we're not like all the other blogs. We're happy, screw you.

- the DNC is like a grass outhouse on a Sri Lankan beach - full of shit and badly in need of rebuilding. Somehow, Howard Dean is still in play on this. W. Webb would be a fine choice, here's to them not making it.



Black Eyed Mea Culpas

What the HeadBoard got wrong this year:

- the chick from the Black Eyed Peas

We based our assessment on a single video. After further research, we have to pull our approval due to a face closer to Ethyl Merman's than Ellen Nordgren's.

- the Orange Bowl

We pulled for Auburn due to the still-lingering taste in our mouth from the shit sandwich OU served us in their last 2 games in '03. After revisiting Auburns non-con schedule (LA Tech, La monroe and the Citadel, all at home) and witnessing OU's recent performances, we are fully in favor of the best NC matchup in our memory. We empathize with any undefeated team from a good conference missing out on the opportunity but rest assured, the only people who prefer to see Auburn in Miami over the other two love Dale Earnhardt and hate Al'bama.

Everything else was dead nuts on.



12/1/04 sweeter yet

Barnett Big XII Coach of the Year

The infirmary at the Boulder NOW chapter has been full since the election. Now this. What a kick in the balls.

Now the Bob Leys of the world will surely revisit the situation and report that not a single investigation to date has turned up evidence that implicates Barnett in the ALLEDGED recruiting transgressions. And one of the aforementioned Boulder NOW chicks will be Miss February in the 2005 Hooters calendar.

Nat. Org of Women's Big XII Coach of the Year accepts his trophy



And Merry World Aids Day to all and to all a good night. Even after 20 years of money being thrown at this at a rate extremely disproportionate to the population of those at risk, people still try to blame Reagan's delayed reaction for the absense of a vaccine/cure.

Two people whose efforts deserve mention:
1 Elton John - $40 million+, when you put that much money where your mouth is, we don't care what else you put there
2 GW - spent more (to the consternation of many, the surprise of more) fighting HIV than any previous Pres. Man, does that have to hurt



hello mullah, hello fatah...


11/29/04 sweeter

The Buffs will score at least as many points vs OU as Texas did.

Let us start by saying how we almost feel bad for Iowa St. They had their most important game in 92 years in their house and in their hands and they went csu. Toodly doodly.

Big XII north worst division ever, only South team Buffs would beat is Baylor, 21.5 is not going to be enough, the only time all year that the Buffs led the North was, well, now, blah blah blah. All that and the last page of every SI will get you a wiped behind.

- the Buffs still had to win this title the same way OU won the South - on the field.

- As explained here in detail, the CU football program faces more local opposition than any D-1 program anywhere, period. These guys overcame an offseason, including a lengthy suspension of their head coach, that many thought would surely cost them this season and possibly a competitve program for good. Instead, they play for the title for the 3rd time in 4 years.

So screw you guys, we're going to Kansas City.



11/26/04 sweet



11/24/04 I wanna be an Airborne Ranger...
Regarding exit strategy, the operation to pull out of two volatile and strategically prized locations began Oct. 22. At the 30-day assessment, a significant number of Rangers were still present. Another assessment will be done in 30 days.
As usual, the all-volunteer force has been exemplary in the initial removal operation. Local support, however, has been less than expected. From an anonymous Master Sergeant: "Sir, whatever we get from the locals is gravy, sir." Inscription may be imminent. Or maybe we found the perfect way for the French to chip in.



How many blogs that were smokin' a month ago are now down to "Montclair pooped in my Weejun today, still upset about the election, ha,ha,ha!" or "Fare thee well faithful readers, alas I need some rest". What the hell do you think this is, darts? (you really gotta see this)

The HeadBoard will always nut it up.


Flopping around on the deck.
Get the club.


11/22/04 ho ho ho



Santa's Helper

Narrowing down the choices for the Mrs's

Tharp is gone, good riddance. He was pretty much a piece-of-crap AD, not because of the trumped-up controversies surrounding the program but because he was pretty much a piece-of-crap AD. Negotiations with your humble commentator to assume the position have hit an impasse, some beef about a table dance team and Title IX. (S'head thinks Ceal Barry will get the call after I turn them down, dually noted you fatheaded godless drunk.)

And for the last time - sports commentators should stick to sports, political commentators should stick to politics, hot chick experts should stick to hot chicks.

Only the HeadBoard is qualified to offer expert commentary on all three, though we prefer to stick to hot chicks. 






11/17/04 MNF MILF



So TO hooked up with Nicollette Sheridan, who wouldn't? Anyone want to take a shot at the number of MNF viewers who really were offended by the once-hot-now-so-so MILF going locker room Mandingo?

yep, zero.

Next week, Terry Hatcher sits on Tom Brady's face. Are you ready for some football? uh.. I will be in a few minutes.

If the people of Iraq can't draw the line at the killing of Margaret Hassan, there may not be a line to be drawn. Look, we know you've lived your entire lives in the camel's asshole ruled by camel's excrement so critical thinking is new to most of you but WTFUp. She was good. They are evil. Our marines are the former eliminating the latter. And what part of $25 million doesn't compute? How about this - 2 goats and a hookah for whoever drops the dime on Zarqawi.


11/16/04 Bowling for Buffaloes



Special kudos to those Buffs for beating KSU with a 64-yd TD pass with 6 seconds left. Bowl eligible this year is particularly sweet.

And did anyone notice yet another audit that came up dry? Bob Ley? Special thanks to Ohio St for showing what full community support can lead to, imagine the trouble we could get into with that?

Bill Calahan made a bunch of new fans by kicking and covering on the final play of the game even though down by 30. And Stoops (and the member of the spirit squad who spit chicklets) looked surprisingly like, well, pussies. If it comes down to USC/Aub/OU undefeated at the end, look for a huge payback for last year's impotant finish by the Sooners. Frankly, we'd Sooner see USC/Auburn than y'all.



11/9/04 Finally back to what counts - chicks and sports



That would be Fox Sports hahhhhhtie Lisa Dergan showering in the HeadBoard's clubhouse.

And that would be Team Tuna who outlasted the despised Terminators of S'head to bring home the $$ last night. Die Terminators, shit sucking reprobates.


Ah, so nice to get back to what counts.

But just when we're basking in Lisa's booty and our looty, politics drags us back in like Michael Corleone: Howard Dean announces he wants to chair the DNC. Noam Chomsky not interested?

I must have done something special in another life because I sure haven't done anything in this one to deserve this.



11/8/04 'ump? what 'ump?
Two photos that sum up the fever swamp before and after the election



The infamous lump photo from the first debate was proof in the minds of many progressives (progressing nicely towards irrelevance) that Karl Rove was not only figuratively calling the shots but literally as well. Two points: if the President of the United States wanted to receive discreet transmissions, don't you think he might have access to technology that didn't require a lunchbox strapped to his back? And, now that the election is complete, the Secret Service has provided what should (but won't) be the final word: the lump is associated with the bullet proof vest that was used but not openly discussed due to the prudent policy of not discussing security details during an election where Machiavelli is more visible than the Dem VP candidate. 
In '02, the Dems reacted to evisceration by going left. This time, though thoughtful Dems have realized that change in their party is crucial, the far left that was such a dominant faction in '04 believe that 1)the election was rigged and 2)the religious right was largely responsible. In 2004, moral values was most influencial in 22% of voters. The war on terror (incl. Iraq) 40%, the economy 25%. Moral issues (incl. abortion) were most important to 27% in '92, 49% in '96 and '00. So portraying the 59 million+ who voted correctly as zealots or too stupid not be manipulated by zealots is a myth and hopefully those who are portraying it so are the one's who will continue to steer the donkey.

Straight from Fatass's website



Despite rampant voter fraud (some people voted every freaking day) and intimidation (only the Kerry cups up front, you know who you are you Boulder County communist scum), the 7/11 coffee poll nails it once again:

51.08% Bush (51.33 actual)
48.92 % Kerry (48.32 actual)



If Chevy Chase hasn't put a gun in his mouth, he can reprise his Generalisimo Francisco Franco schtick for Arafat. That is if he can squeeze it in around the filming of his next blockbuster.



11/4/04 candy is ready

We remember the streets of Ramalah on Sept 12, 2001.

Pass the watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

In the post-mortem, a wing of the Republican party (near and dear) is predictably ignored by both sides: the less spiritual, gambling, drinking, slightly perverted, hawkish, champions of fiscal and personal responsibility who, nonetheless, are comfortable with people of faith and their decisions as leaders based on that faith (as long as we are free to celebrate the leveling of Fallujah by blowing our tax refund on booze and strippers in Vegas, preferably at OG).
The HeadBoard (sans Burkhalter) wing of the GOP.

The difference between success and failure is the difference between what the faithless bring to the Elephant and what the faithful bring to the Donkey. Glad to oblige, no recognition necessary. Just don't piss us off.



11/3/04 smelly donkey

The bad before the good: Colorado lost a Senate seat thanks to Nighthorse. He could've won re-election in his pajamas and then quit but he didn't. He should've made two phone calls before bailing (Owens & McGinnis) but didn't. He could've stepped up for Pete Coors but didn't. But "that's just Ben". Well, piss on Ben.

Like we said, where liberal presidential campaigns go to die.

And not all of the Dems are swinging from redwoods today. The wink-nose tap coming from Clinton²McAuliff celebrates a masterful job of setting up Hillary in '08 by eliminating Kerry AND Edwards (man, did they play Edwards). We appreciate politics on all sides and these guys pulled off a gem. And Air America now has a 50-50 shot at seeing February as opposed to the 1-in-270 if Kerry won. "Mr. Soros, vee have not received zis veek's check." click "Mr. Soros?" click "Ahllo?" click

Yesterday was setup exactly 2 years ago today. The Dems reacted to a historical midterm ass-kicking by 1)lurching left ala Pelosi and 2)keeping McAuliff (see above).

Favorite Black Wednesday rantings on Air America: "America, you are an ASS!" and the idea that the exit polls were right and the polls were corrupt (good day Drudge, you blew more by noon than most conspiracists blow all day).

Thank you Florida, thank you Ohio.

And finally, we at the HeadBoard believe it is time to put all of our differences behind and unite for America, to be gracious in victory and praise the effort of those who competed against us.


But, uh, not before this:
fuckyouFatass, fuckyouPDiddy, fuckyouTDaschly, fuckyouGideon, fuckyouOprah(yech), fuckyouCameron(twice), fuckyouMatfleck, fuckyouBruce, fuckyouSoros, fuckyouPeterLewis, fuckyouFrance, fuckyouGermany, fuckyouFranceagain, fuckyouEddyVedder, fuckyouDixieChicks(try a salad, Natalie), fuckyouLittleSteven(but not Sylvio), fuckyouJamesGandolfini(but not TonyS), fuckyouGarafalo(backdoor), fuckyouJenningsBrokaw, fuckyouChrisMathews, fuckyouRobReiner,


fuckyouBegala, fuckyouJamieAmanpour, fuckyouCostanza, fuckyouSamuelL, fuckyouAshtonMoore, fuckyouDrew, fuckyouBillieJoe, fuckyouDaveMatthews, fuckyouyourbandtoo, fuckyouSherylCrow, fuckyouWyclef, fuckyouMartinSheen, fuckyouJohnStewart, fuckyouHelenThomas(maidenvoyageonthetitanic), fuckyouBillMaher, fuckyouEminem, fuckyouBinghole, fuckyouGraydonCarter, fuckyouGenWes, frankyouFucken, fuckyouLouieDepalma, fuckyouChuckD, fuckyouthatguyfromthewestwingmarriedtoMalcomsMom, fuckyouHertoo, fuckyouChristinasvagina, fuckyoudidwealreadysayFrance?, fuckyouMadonna, fuckyouR, fuckyouE, fuckyouM, fuckyouPolisGillStryker(nah, fuckyourselves), fuckyoumostBaldwins, fuckyouJFatJoe, fuckyouHowardLaurel, fuckyouAlHardy, fuckyouWhoopiesbush, fuckyouRosie(strapon), fuckyou TinaBrowneye, and last but not least, fuckyouDanRather and goodnight.



Even hot chicks aren't enough to get us to MTV in these last few days but, by habit, the TV ended up there Sunday morning. "20 million questions for President Bush", MTV's fair and balanced look at the right side of the ticket:


 - Opening montage of shots of the President playing to Green Day's "American Idiot" (WTF, didn't think anyone would notice?)

- Fat, pimply tie-wearing young Republicans ("Go Republican, you'll screw the poor but you'll never screw hot chicks")

- The active military pilot based in S. Korea caustically questioning his commander-in-chief (he might want to freshen up on the UCMJ)

The good news is that, last we checked, one has to be 18 to vote, so the only people who Eminem and PDiddy influence have at least 2 more elections until they can vote.



10/25/04 Puppet 69, kick-ass!

So Matt Stone thinks that if you don't take the time to educate yourself, you shouldn't vote. Just another buffalo who gets it. The right to vote is not the right to have your vote counted if the only effort you can muster is to fall out of bed on the first f*cking Tuesday in Nov every 4 years.

Frankly, if the only way to get you to vote is to let you register with some clipboard-carrying sweater meat outside of your liquor store, I don't want you to be part of the process because we probably won't agree on much beyond an appreciation for liquor and sweater meat.

And nothing beats that condescending prick Sean Penn chastising Stone for saying so. The firepower he lacks to take on the likes of Parker and Stone is evident to everyone but himself.



And no more stops in Colorado for the incumbent. Jesus, you had us at "I do solemnly swear...". If you're farting around in Greeley, you're not in Ohio or Florida or any other state that's actually in play. Don't take this the wrong way but GO AWAY.



10/19/04 The man is making some damn fine choices these days

Nice Bush

Spends days with GW and nights with Carrie Stevens. Who said there are no more role models in sports?

nice bush



The genius of Karl Rove isn't as much his ability to steer his campaign where he wants it to go as it is his ability to steer their campaign where he wants it to go. Kerry2004 has been steered to where absurd claims and promises now drown out everything else, past and present. To where the campaigns of liberal presidential candidates go to die.



- With the help of old media stroking him through 3 debates, Kerry reached the level of invincibility where he felt he could speak for the lesbian daughter of his opponent whom he had never met. The audible groan in the media room was as if he was one step from victory but moved without hearing "Simon Says".

- The candidate that never met a tax increase he didn't like or a defense program that he did will cut our taxes and improve our defense.

- Grandma will either freeze to death due to Social Security cuts or die of heat stroke thanks to global warming. Unvaccinated, she will catch the flu and expire on a 36-hr bus junket to Saskatchewan for her lumbago meds or get blown up in Iraq after being drafted and stuck into an armorless Humvee (turn signal always on).

- His partner feeling such confidence to promise that people will razz from their wheelchez and wolk when John Kerry is 'lected.

- His wife wants in on it? No problem, sweetheart, just put the sandwich down long enough to accuse a parent of being ashamed of their child. Now put the sandwich back in and prepare to get walloped if ever in the same room with LC.

- Bush says there will be no draft. Cheney says there will be no draft. Rumsfeld says no goddamn draft. The whole fucking Pentagon says please, no draft. The Reps force a vote on the Rangell's scumbag draft bill and he (and 401 of 403 colleagues) votes no. But John Kerry thinks he can convince you that, if GW is re-elected, there will be a draft.

Like I said, where these campaigns go to die.

And at least some canucks are getting it. I sell you back bacon for a few baby seal pelts thinking that you will be selling it to Eskimos up north (what can I say, I have a soft spot for Eskimos). I then find out that you are selling it to my customers here in Moosejaw. Guess what, eh? You'll be paying a lot more baby seal pelts for your back bacon. And I'll hit you.





You're going to hear that so we might as well get it over with (Kerry will sit next to littleronniereagan at the funeral, heard it here first). Might as well revisit stem cell research too: Bush made a call based on his faith to not use federal funding for one type of research - new lines of embyonic stem cells. He didn't ban stem cell research. He didnt stop federal funding of all stem cell research. And, contrary to the ballerina son of a great President, he did not make the decision based on politics. Only the party with a tradition of making decisions based on political windfall would acuse the other side of the same while pointing out how politically damaging the same decision should be.



Good day for the Army yesterday, winning NASCAR, NHRA Top Fuel and Pro Stock bike titles. John Edwards immediately released a statement that the failure of a US Army car to win the F1 Japanese Grand Prix was yet another indication of the Bush Admin's failed foreign policy.



And finally, in the last, loaded, biased question in Friday's debate (asking Bush to recite 3 mistakes he made), an opportunity was lost. How's this: 1. hiring Paul O'neil 2. keeping Richard Clark and 3. trusting Joe Wilson


10/8/04 Bad intelligence, we take responsibility

There are times when we must simply take responsibility for failure. In areas of intelligence that are critical to our lives, there are no excuses for coming up short.

It has been brought to our attention only this week that Elin Nordegren, now Mrs. Tiger Woods, has a sister. A twin sister. An identical, smokin' hot, pitch-a-tent twin sister. We know that our readers count on us to be aware of such things. We know we have let you down. We have "accepted" the resignation of our chief intelligence officer and accept any punishment that Elin and Josefin want to meat out.



And you think we're pissed at France?
There is only one reason Sadaam is not in one of his palaces right now and instead has a date with a noose and 2 worm-riddled sons: he thought France had his back.

You have one Criminal and 3 police officers. Officer 1 and Officer 2 are corrupt, having taken $$ from Criminal in exchange for protecting Criminal from Officer 3. Now there is a standoff. Criminal is surrounded by Officers 1, 2 and 3, his hand inside his jacket where it would be if he had a holstered gun. Officers 1 & 2 tell him to remove his hand but to do it whenever he pleases. Officer 3 tells him to remove his hand and to do it now or he will shoot him where he stands. Considering his promise of protection from 1 & 2, Criminal decides to wait it out. Officer 3 is from Texas. bang. Criminal is dead. This has been a presentation of the UN Oil for Food Program. If you need help with the cast of characters, you haven't been paying attention.


10/4/04 practice, grasshopper, practice



The Senator works on his new handshake with political consultant Cameron Diaz, further evidence that the Clinton team has indeed taken control of the Kerry campaign.

The master himself, shown here with Alexandra Kerry in cans..er..Cannes


9/29/04 hallelujah

Visitors who access Marilyn Musgrave's 2002 campaign site (through outdated links or, of course, here) are either pleasantly surprised or thoroughly revolted to find that they can purchase both Jenna Jameson's vibrating 2-holer and the DVD "One Night in Paris" (Hilton).

And to think Soros only gets moveon.org and Janeane Garafalo for his contributions, what a maroon.



Whole new meaning to pulling for Republicans



In one last flailing round-house, Michael Moore recently posted the following letter to his minions:

[Note: in the tradition of Moore's work, we have edited the original to provide a version we prefer. In doing so, nothing was added or rearranged - only parts considered insignificant were omitted. Hope he doesn't mind]

Dear Friends of doom,

I quit. The Republicans are laughing at us. They are never finished -- they just keeping moving forward like sharks that never sleep, always pushing. They are relentless and that is why we secretly admire them -- they just simply never, ever give up. Republicans own it all -- the White House, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court and the majority of the governorships. How do you think they've been able to pull that off? It's because they eat you and me and every other liberal for breakfast.

Kerry is one lousy candidate and can't win. he's a Democrat, for heavens sake! That party is pathetic, they lose elections! What were you expecting? Bruce Springsteen and I are phony bastards and Oprah just gave God a friggin' Pontiac!

My friends, You are being snookered if you believe the Clinton A-team. Kerry has decided to make that mistake. Conventional wisdom says if the election is decided on terrorism, Bush wins. If it is decided on the job we are doing in Iraq, then Bush is only higher and Mr. and Mrs. America know it.

There is no way out. It is a full-blown mess and Kerry, an immoral plasticized turkey, is this failure of monumental proportions. So, All is over. WE knew Kerry... No sense in fighting now...what I need is sleep.

The people need another four years of George Bush. Americans want Moore w.


Michael Moore



9/27/04 We want our MTV

Are we surprised at MTV giving up the thin veil (mmm..thin veil) of objectivity. Nope. Are we amused? Yep. And what the hell do you mean what are we doing watching MTV? Have you SEEN that chicken from the Black Eyed Peas? That video where she's dressed like a school girl, doing the hip thrust thing? Oh yea, she's on that tour bus for her rhymes.
But we digress.



Some of our favorites:
- House intellectual/elitist Gideon Yago's objective reports from Iraq and the Kerry campaign bus. Has since temporarily traded his loft in the village for a studio in Kerry's crack (bunking w/ Graydon Carter)

- The commercial trying to scare the malt liquor piss out of partyers with the threat to reinstate the draft (that's Charlie Rangell, the DEM who introduced the bill that would do just that, getting table dance from Lil' Kim).

- The "Oh-my-God! voting is so coo-uhl" documentary hosted by Drew Barrymore. No one gets through to 18-24 yr olds like a 30-yr old who speaks like a 14-yr old.

- Another doc hosted by Christina Aguliera intimating that the next stop for the Bush administration after Baghdad is your bedroom (she's pissed her vagina is on a DHS watchlist for potential terrorist safehouses.)

Hard to pick.



9/24/04 Onions
Prime Minister Allawi has onions. Big f*cking onions. He's been marked for "liquidation" by Sadaam since 1978, others since the spider hole. Damn near got his head chopped off. With an ax. He accepts the odds against him retiring to a place like Chapequa or Crawford to live out his golden years, after all, it will only take one zealot to get lucky while he has to be lucky every time.

Joe Lockhart calls the same man a puppet. Fat Joe thinks that Allawi has some reason to blindly parrot the Bush administration ("you can almost see the hand underneath the shirt today moving the lips") even at the detriment to the country he will more than likely give his life for. Joe Lockhart has little onions. Tiny f*cking onions that any self-respecting gibson would be embarrassed to call its own.
Since we're on Lockhart (we really don't want to have to revisit this piece of crap), we think he would be an excellent authority on the notion of Bush lying about WMDs. Follow close:
1) Lockhart states that Bush lied about WMDs.
2) Given that every report to date emphasizes that Bush never knowingly gave false information (i.e. LIED as defined by most), Lockhart must believe that just the act of supplying false information, even if you believe it to be true, is considered LYING.

(The only other alternative is for him not to believe the 9/11 Commission, the Butler report, Senate Intel Committee....)
3) As Whitehouse spokesman, Fat Joe regularly provided false information even though he believed it was true (unlike Monica, we'll swallow hard and give him the benefit of the doubt).
4) Lockhart, by his own apparent definition of lying, LIED. Fat Joe either then has to admit (incorrectly) that he and Bush both lied or accept (correctly) that neither lied.
Maybe David Gregory can raise his head long enough to ask the questions? Nah.



9/20/04 2 Colorado universities, 2 weeks, 2 fatal alcohol incidents



You can threaten, you can punish, you can expel but what you cannot do is change the fact that most college students will drink and drink excessively on occasion during their 4, 5 or, in the case of S'head, 17 years in college. From raccoon coats to lowriders and thongs (mmm...thongs), this has always happened and always will. That said, some of the resources now dedicated to preventing the inevitable need to instead go towards preparing for it.

Here goes: if your friend has passed out (a dangerously innocuous term), the vision you need "seared, seared" in your mind before dumping them in the lounge and getting back to the Theta with the thong (mmm.. thong) is you being introduced to your dead friend's Mom or Dad or little brother or little sister as the last one to see him/her alive. 

whale tail



David blogs to death goliath

After almost two weeks of electronic shock-and-awe, CBS has emerged from the spider hole waving a white flag with a Kinkos header. During this time, the world was largely introduced to the pajama-hideen. Turns out that, regardless of the painful name they chose for themselves, the blogosphere is not always ComicBookGuy from the Simpsons. At its best (as in the CBS case), it is exponentially the most efficient method of sharing solid information. At its worst, it is the HeadBoard (mmm..thong).







9/19/04 AP wire



- Buffs looked good Sat night but my wife looked better
- Gators got the shiv
- Miss America conts. should only wear bikinis (Miss Louisianna got hosed)
- Quentin carries the ball with his pootzer then hides





9/17/04 No words today



(John Facenda is rolling in his grave)




9/16/04 ..Back to the important

Here's a radio commercial we would pay to hear: an OnStar call from a driver who just saw a gas truck vaporize the weepy couple who met through eHarmony.com. "I am (sniffle) happier than (sniffle) I've ever..."SPLAT

would scare
the gas truck, Liberace and the donkey
Final word: In the next few months, Dan Rather will go Helen Thomas on us, leaving CBS and the shackles that restrained him (barely) behind. We'll finally get to hear how he really (sniffle) feels. And we'll all be as surprised as we were to hear that Liberace preferred the poolboy over the maid.  




9/13/04 ..Sorry Dan

Apologies to Dan Rather and CBS for doubting their diligence regarding the Nat Guard memos. Though everyone but his dog has turned on him (his lab that is, the border collie blogged doubts early on), Rather has said that the memos are genuine because..er..um...he said so. We stand corrected.
"poppycock, just a flesh wound"

Like we needed another
reason to love calzones

Bad enough dropping to 4th tier recruiting in Cali, RamNation gets to hear Keith Jackson explain that, were it not for fear of playing behind Marcus Houston, LenDale White would have been playing with short curlies on his helmet last Sat instead of a Trojan (trojan,helmet..huh..huh). 1 yard on 5 carries for Markeesha. Now that he is behind someone who sounds like a gastrointestinal disorder, we are done with him here.







9/12/04  Larry King fills in on the HeadBoard



The 2-0 Buffs - from the disgrace of all mankind to sniffing the Top 25...crab cakes - don't you love 'em?...gotta coach the intentional pass interference, oy vei...I have a colon the size of a gas truck...timeout coming out of a WSU timeout?Neuheisal!...I've never paid a dime for pool cleaning...Sorry, Klatt has been horrible since halftime vs CSU, don't shoot the messenger...







9/10/04  (Burkhalter - medium rare O.K.?)



Nice try. Actually, not even a nice try.

Powerline sinks the hook, snags an anchor. 

And if we see the pantload who sawed off his own arm one more time, we'll rip off his other arm and beat him to death with it.

Dude is not a HERO for saving his own life that was only in jeopardy due to his own immense stupidity. Heros missing limbs are at Walter Reed, not bawling on Oprah. In fact, we think we'll tell him so.







9/7/04   Proud Mary keeps on rollin'....



DA Keenan has launched an investigation into charges that members of the University of Colorado Football team are directly responsible for a CSU coed's untimely death, even though the entire team has a relatively strong alibi during the time she intoxicated herself to the tune of .43 BAC.

At least one Ram has scoreboard.

We wish impeached President Clinton a speedy recovery from quad bypass surgery (makes us 50% on the close ones this weekend).To pay our respect, we FedExed a case of pork rinds and the latest Girls Gone Wild. Get well soon.







9/5/04   "Screw you guys... you're going hewmmmm"... Part II



Cheer up petulant little fans of the JV, life really ain't so bad. The harvest (and harvest dance!) is just around the corner. Still a few spots available in the porcine insemination class. And you have a good (and good looking) quarterback.

You guys have a nice little team, good luck at Southern Cal.

NEWS ALERT: the NCAA has awarded Marcus Houston (pictured at right) yet another year of elligibilty. "The pattern of oppression in this young man's life continues." This time by a freshman linebacker.









8/26/04   "Screw you guys... you're going hewmmmm"......

Have to admit, it kind of sucks for Spain's Olympic basketball team. They sail through pool play undefeated and are rewarded with a prison shower date with Team USA. Just like Spain's military in Iraq, their basketball team high-tailed it well before their objective was met. Ibeza awaits, GHB and thongs for all, Ole!

We're actually big fans of this particular group of NBA zillionaires. They took the challenge (some even campaigned for it) when others, for whatever chickenshit reason they preferred, did not. Everything to lose, little to gain. USA-USA...getting goosebumps, think I'll go rip down some Mexican flags.

And mornin', Govna', we didn't forget you. The guy with the "will expose self for food" sign at the 20th St exit ramp seems to know why you didn't run for Nighthorse's seat so that makes everybody. Drink a lot of Coors in the next 60 days, this "baby" is all on you.







[For anyone that missed our extensive team coverage of the bendover that was the CU football program recruiting scandal, click here to review. Otherwise, it's onward and upward.]

Other takes and points of value
(all links open in new windows, simply close to return here):

Ivan Maisel of ESPN tends to read half of the HeadBoard as indicated by the half of the things he gets right. For years, we pointed out the similarities between Clinton and Neuheisal. In 2002, Maisel did the same. He lauded the similarities, we didn't. We also pointed out that no other D-1 team faces the opposition from the city, faculty, DA, dipshit regents (read Jim Martin) et al that this team faces. Maisel was one of few to get that part right. ESPN's Bob Lee and, surprisingly, Bernie Goldbeg were not.

The HeadBoard is not the only one to combine sports and politics. Footballfansfortruth.com has not only put up a page, they formed a 527. Our content is better and we have chicks but they got mentioned by Rush. Damn.






 Buff fans drink. Lose to Baylor? They drink. Hang 62 on Nebraska? They drink (and how). Bye week? You guessed it, they drink. Now they can see just how well:

12 oz.
4 %







1st last year, 9th this year.

Kick a school while they're down



We don't expect you to memorize
his name. Hell, we can't remember
his name. So
click here for a printable
election day reminder card, a write-in
cheat sheet complete with Buff schedule
and HeadBoard wallet babe!

(no affiliation whatsoever with
Committee to Elect Jason Savela for Boulder County District Attorney)

if you have any money at all, spring for those Post-it notes that come on the front page of the Boulder Daily Camera, give people something to put in their pocket]

Who the hell is Jason Savela?
He's a write-in candidate because he didn't get his shit together in time to be on the ballot.
Anne Heche was a lesbian longer than he'll be a Republican 
At 33, the current DA has briefs that are older
He'll probably slap a cease-and-desist on our arse if he ever sees this

...he isn't MARY KEENAN. Good enough for us, gets our vote. (now we know how Kerry supporters feel. ABK, ABK, ABK)




Eureka, a website
(a really, really pathetic website):