...... |
|
We
at the HeadBoard are dismayed at the characterization of the
CU Boulder community as one that is disrespectful to and objectifying
of women. |
|
|
Let us say for
the record that we have the utmost respect for chicks and are
proud to honor some of the finest babes here on these very pages. |
|
WE'RE BACK,
NOW AT WWW.THEHEADBOARD.COM
Sen. (D) Illinois |
The billions, yes billions,
of bones flying around Formula 1 and FRENCH tire
manufacturer Michelin can't provide just one shoe that
wont blow up on U.S. soil? And then they want all of the parties
that did get it right to sacrifice to save the day. Sounds
pretty VICHY to us.
And how would you like to be
Scott Speed (real name, no shit), the hand-picked American being
stroked by Red Bull for an F1 ride next year? One day he's turning
laps faster than entire F1 teams and the next he's deported to
race anywhere but the US as long as he's driving F1. Our advise:
grow tits or go NASCAR. |
|
|
|
6/15/05 |
"bloody
capitalists" |
click here to bid!
You'd think
that anyone capable of educating the G8 on economic remedies
that will end poverty on the planet would also be capable of
understanding the basics of supply and demand.
The washed-up
rat gave away Live8 tickets for which there is record demand.
Then he was surprised and indignant that said valuable and rare
ducats would end up in the free marketplace.
Bloody stupid.
PS Bob, old chap, seems
the corrupt African leaders whose pockets you lined with the
proceeds from Live Aid would like to know where the line forms
to replenish. |
|
|
A porn
star at a Republican fundraiser attended by the President? Scandalous.
No, not because we have a problem w/ porn (hell, read this page
for 5 minutes). The scandal lies in which starlet gets the call.
Mary Carey? Too big, too toothy, heaven for fat, drunk bikers
but doesn't even make the JV here. Consequently, the HeadBoard
is in the process of securing an entire table at the event and
sending a delegation selected by our editorial board: Jenna Jameson,
Taylor Hayes, Taylor Rain, Tawny Roberts and Cheyenne Silver.
God bless America and pass the
breadsticks. |
|
|
The good news
- Mike Tyson's boxing career is over
The bad news
- An individual who would both fit in well with the power of
the Democratic party and be a significant improvement over the
current chair of the DNC is now available for service
We were huge
fans of Iron Mike back in the days of Cayton/Jacobs/Rooney. No
socks, no robe, just a towel with a hole (one pristine Koran
from being a GitMo detainee), flat out devastating opponents
up to 4 times a year.
We were never
huge fans of Iron Howard but we are now. |
|
|
6/9/05 |
Handicapping The Great ColoMinn
Throwdown |
Northern
Alliance -180
Rocky Mtn Alliance +160
(get down
at thegreek.com)
Every
successful dodgeball team has that one reprobate who will take out
the Down's Syndrome kid with a heater to the kneecaps. Just haven't
seen that in the RMA.
|
|
|
The
Indy Wrap Up you won't find anywhere else
- We did really well in our "who
we didn't pick" section, knew Wheldon would burn us.
- Big Brother nails 1st and 2nd, Orwell
would be proud.
- Pull certification from all Foyts
immediately. (It is kind of humorous that the IVth took out the
points leader in the other series)
- Oh yea , her.
Danica can drive and she has a nice ride but lets not let our
erections get in the way of the facts.
1. she stalled in the pits when that was the one thing she needed
to not do all day
2. she wrecked the 2 Panther cars UNDER YELLOW. How come no one
interviewed Thomas Sheckter about Danica?
3. She passed Wheldon after the last restart seconds after Wheldon's
owner Michael Andretti said he would rather be in second, not
first. and
4. she was in contention in the last few laps by the luck of
the pit window she created by crashing the Panther cars.
Bottom line is she copped to
all of these mistakes and is a stand-up gal (though at 5'2",
its hard to tell) who really does belong. But the coverage of
her was abhorrent. Shame on ABC. |
|
|
5/28/05 |
Greatest Testicles in Racing |
Little Monkey's
Pick
. |
The General did his
part by nailing Giacomo, now it's the Monkey's turn at Indy:
Thomas Sheckter +1500
We've extended on this firecracker before, came up short. Dude
absolutely flies but can his patience and his Panther Chevy last
500?
Kenny Brack +1000
Our greatest pick to date, getting 40-1 on Brack when he drank
the milk. He has a rocket and he knows what to do with it (down
Danica)
Hornish +625
Our 3rd is always a frontrunner, hard to pass on Marlboro..er...Penske
red & white
BONUS:
Tony Stewart +1500
|
Mrs. Franchitti |
Who didn't we pick?
Hard to pass on Wheldon
at +800, probably Michael's best bet
As for the rest of
AndrettiGreen? Kanaan bores us, Herta really bores us and Franchitti's
doing pre-race prep with Ashley Judd as we speak, both he and
his luck will be spent
Danica can drive and
she has a rocket (just our guess) but not this year. Then again,
at 100 lbs, she's Indy's version of Bill Veeck's midget.
Does AJ remind anyone
else of Jackie Gleason in Smokey & the Bandit? "ahm
gonna go home and punch yo mama raht in the mouth".
|
|
|
5/26/05 |
Bolton hears a Who |
|
If he (along with Horton)
can save the Whos, imagine what he can to for the U.N.?
"There are 38
floors to the UN building in New York. If you lost 10 of them,
it wouldn't make a bit of difference."
|
|
Perhaps the emotional
Sen. Voinovich could use one of these Gillette
Vibrance razors to cheer him up and help him unwind after
a twying day.
How did McCain miss
out on this guy? Jesus Christ, grow a pair. |
|
|
5/25/05 |
wish we would've thought of
it |
This is Gillette's
waterproof vibrating razor for women.
You're
either thinking what we're thinking, you're lying or you're lying.
We predict this will
sell better than any razor in history. We also predict a dramatic
increase in shower time yet an equally dramatic decrease in shaved
legs. |
|
|
5/24/05 |
pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty,
pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, |
Sen. Bombpop announces
that he and his 13 popsicle sticks have saved the Republic. |
This thing will blow up like
Paris Hilton's skirt.
As far as we can tell, it will
only take one of these 7 Dems to claim "extraordinary circumstance"
when there is none. Notice the 3rd corpse from the right in the
photo. The betting window is now open. |
|
|
|
Hard to
argue that
Prof. Cracker has submitted
his response regarding academic fraud and ethnic misrepresentation,
including the smoking peace pipe that proves Churchill is indeed
a native American:
- he is a member of the Keetoowah
band of the Cherokee nation (oops,
one day later they said he is a fraud who only got a ceremonial
membership because he COULDNT prove a bloodline. Now it also
looks like the Tribal ID # he gave CU when hired under Affirmative
Action was bogus.shocking.)
- (my favorite) he has considered
himself an indian since age 10. Well hell. I considered myself
an indian when I was 10. And a fireman, soldier and Spaceghost's
monkey (don't ask). Furthermore, I will be suing NASA for racial
discrimination. After all, I 've been an astronaut since 1973
and have never been to space. Only reason I can think of is that
I'm an indian. |
|
|
|
So Sen. Bombpop (R?-AZ)
wants to save the Judge Fili in his backpocket for the rainy
f*cking day when Repulicans need it? First, I don't want Republicans
to use it (should we ease up on suicide bombings in case we need
those too?) and b) if he would use it, why didn't they
before the 9th circuit became the Electric Koolaid Acid Tests? |
|
|
|
|
Put the lib-elite in their
pajamas and watch them poopie the bed.
Man, what a friendly crowd
can get out of these people, it's like they're licking toads
(or Bill Maher). |
My favorite bleeder took me to
an acoustic Springsteen show on Sat, (told her I'd rather drink
Draino but she didn't take). Talk about comfort:
- Turns out the same poor bastards
who haven't ate or worked since Reagan closed their mill in '83
are still around, this time blaming GW for everything from gas
cans to mez'cans.
- Bruce announced that the
Bush Admin outlawed evolution. The flock was actually cheering
evolution like evolution was playing the Redwings (the missing
links vs. the missing links). He has no idea how he comes off
bashing people for their spiritual beliefs. I AM the Boss but
I still can't get over Sister Mary Margaret.
The evening's worst offense?
toxic boredom. Like deep vein thrombosis only slower. Two dozen
songs about the dustbowl sang by someone from Beverly Hills worth
more than Oklahoma was in '33. One more ripoff of Bob Dylan ripping
off Woody Guthrie and gun goes in mouth. |
|
5/7/05 |
Burkhalter's Lament |
The General bypassed his usual
trip to Vegas for the Derby and paid for it. (Notice his Super
Long Shot Tote-board Buster below.)
We'll still take full credit for his acumen, even if he shoots
himself. |
|
|
5/6/05 |
Burkhalter's Derby Picks |
Our Quinella picks |
Though most of us at the
HeadBoard look forward to derby day for sun dresses and bourbon,
we do have a bonified handicapper on our editorial board.
Let 'er rip General:
Prime Pick-Afleet Alex-Has the experience and
talent to sit a winning trip mid-pack. He'll have to make a big
six or eight wide move at the top of the stretch, but his great
late kick should carry him home. Just hope the betting public
doesn't make him the favorite (he's the morning line 2nd choice)
just to spite "The Boss".<g>
Best Value-Greeleys Galaxy-Give me an improving 3 year
old with speed at double-digit odds any day. He killed 'em in
the Ill. Derby and gets Desormeaux up. Worth a shot at 15-1 or
better.
Super Long Shot Tote-board buster!!!-Giacomo-In the "no balls, no baby"
category. This son of one of my favorite horses (Holy Bull) has
been a dissapointment. But he's trained spectacularly at Chruchill
and has the late-running style I think it will take to win this
race. At 50-1 you could do a whole lot worse... |
|
|
|
Brian C. Anderson takes the
lead in acknowledging the vulgar, drinking, gambling, porn-watching
wing of the GOP, the strange (not to mention powerful and fiercely
loyal) bedfellows of traditional conservatives.
In other words, the HeadBoard Wing
If you're reading this, you
simply must read this book. Click now on Cartman or our librarian
at the left to get yourselves a copy.
kick ass |
|
|
4/13/05 |
Just what they want |
As the Finkelsteins of the
world ramp up to take Hillary out at the manly yet unscathed
knees, we ask that you keep in mind who we are dealing with.
The Clintons welcome every
stitch of nastiness that comes up during her '06 Senate re-election
campaign:
1) she can eat a baby in Herald
Square and still keep that seat and
2) as invalid as the claim is, they will declare that everything
that comes up in '06 will be old news and previously addressed
when it comes up again in '08. |
|
|
|
4/12/05 |
Bohn of Contention |
Kudos to CU for picking the right
man for the job. Any acquaintance of and/or endorsement from
S'head notwithstanding, they got a native with ties, a sports
guy and a proven AD. The only question mark is his mental condition
considering he decided to accept that position at this
school. Ah, Joseph Heller would be proud. |
|
|
|
4/1/05 |
ESPN: "Allegations Led
to School Scandal" WTF!?! |
You couldn't tell from the
headline above that the nonsense that was Lisa Simpson's Title
IX extortion attempt against CU was SUMMARILY DISMISSED today by a federal judge who wisely summized
that the case was tantamount to the Kopoeknes suing Ted Kennedy
over the Clean Water Act.
|
We said all along that this was
never going to trial. One of the 3 baled long ago and there is
no way that either of the remaining two would take the stand
and admit that a) the party in question was at their apartment,
b) they supplied the booze to underaged recruits, c) a bowl full
of condoms greeted all guests at the door and d) one (see left)
asked a friend to join them as she was being "assaulted"
(some friend). |
|
|
If there is anything to be
learned from the complicated case of Terry Schivo it is this:
If you haven't done so,
make an appointment with your attorney immediately and put in
writing the wishes of both of you should either end up in a perpetual
vegetative state.
Most importantly - when your
wife excuses herself to use the bathroom (again), add the following:
"I hereby give my husband
permission to cease all life-sustaining nutrition for the following
additional reasons:
- burning toast
- speeding ticket
- PMS
- Buffs lose
- Ashley Judd |
|
. |
|
. |
|
Playgirl
editor-in-chief Michele Zipp tells us what the Headboard
babes already know:
|
"Those on the right are
presumed to be all about power and greed two really sexy
traits in the bedroom. They want it, they want it now, and theyll
do anything to get it. And Im not talking about some pansy-assed
victory, Im talking about full on jackpot, satisfaction
for all.
The Democrats of the
Sixties were all about making love and not war while a war-loving
Republican is a man who would fight, bleed, sacrifice, and die
for his country. Could you imagine what that very same man would
do for his wife in the bedroom |
In an effort to appease native
American groups as well as the decidedly left-wing local population,
the Washington Redskins have announced that they are changing
their name to the Washington Churchills. According to owner Daniel
Snyder, "after the years of controversy we have faced over
this issue, we felt we owed it to the native American community
to choose a representative that was in no way native American
" |
|
. |
|
2/24/05 |
Rumor has it the NHL hasn't
been playing, we didn't notice |
. |
|
|
During his speaking
engagement at the University of Hawaii, Ward Churchill officially
proclaimed himself full-blooded Hawaiian. When asked about his
previous race of choice, Churchill responded "Been there,
done that. Their food sucks and they all live in the middle of
freaking nowhere. I'll miss the cheap smokes but what the hell,
they always made me work on Columbus Day. And Christ, have you
guys seen the golf courses here? The only thing "natural
and inevitable" now is that I discover my bloodline traceable
to Kamehameha himself and claim the tee times that are rightfully
mine. And if I take them from any of you haole motherf*ckers,
all the better. aloha." |
As we've said before, the left
could not help themselves but step in the pile that is Ward Churchill.
Now, again in the name of free speech, even the "Republican"
mayor
of NY has to clean his Cole Haans. We can't censor 6th grade
ingrates when they're writing to our troops overseas as part
of a school assignment?
Uh, yeah, we can.
. |
|
|
2/21/05 |
Flying with Pterodactyls |
The only questions left for
Hunter Thompson after the '04 election were what caliber and
which chemicals would be his last. No way he was going
to make it to '08, with or without John Ashcroft.
Like beer bongs and balcony
jumping, the doomed Dr. Gonzo was a college indulgence that most
people survived. If you saw him as entertainment, you're probably
OK. If you saw him as political guru, might we suggest two hits
of mescaline, 750 ml Don Julio Anejo and one loaded Valkyrie
.44.
We'll always give him this
- hallucinagenics are for professionals and there is no better
place than Vegas to practice the profession (that's what we've
been told). |
"When
the going gets tough..." |
From
Welcome to the Big Darkness
July '03 - The U.S. Treasury
is empty, we are losing that stupid, fraudulent chickencrap War
in Iraq, and every country in the world except a handful of Corrupt
Brits despises us. We are losers, and that is the one unforgiveable
sin in America.
Beyond that, we have lost the respect of the world and lost two
disastrous wars in three years. Afghanistan is lost, Iraq is
a permanent war Zone, our national Economy is crashing all around
us, the Pentagon's "war strategy" has failed miserably,
nobody has any money to spend, and our once-mighty U.S. America
is paralyzed by Mutinies in Iraq and even Fort Bragg.
The American nation is in
the worst condition I can remember in my lifetime, and our prospects
for the immediate future are even worse. I am surprised and embarrassed
to be a part of the first American generation to leave the country
in far worse shape than it was when we first came into it. > |
|
Our highway system is crumbling,
our police are dishonest, our children are poor, our vaunted
Social Security, once the envy of the world, has been looted
and neglected and destroyed by the same gang of ignorant greed-crazed
bastards who brought us Vietnam, Afghanistan, the disastrous
Gaza Strip and ignominious defeat all over the world.
The Stock Market will never
come back, our Armies will never again be No. 1, and our children
will drink filthy water for the rest of our lives.
The Bush family must be
very proud of themselves today, but I am not. Big Darkness, soon
come. Take my word for it.
And this was just his
ESPN column, no wonder he shot himself.
|
|
After an Anchorage man broke
up with his girlfirend, he not only granted her request for
one final screw, he agreed to let her tie him up to do so. To
make a long story (and a stupid, horny man) shorter, we'll just
say "sever" and "flush".
The bad news is obvious. The
good news is that his brain was found in the plumbing system
and reattached. |
|
|
The Norwegians say that lobsters
don't feel pain when boiled, PETA says they're just protecting
their fishing industry. We propose boiling both a lobster and
Ingrid Newkirk, wackjob hypocrite founder of PETA. Absolutely
nothing would be learned or confirmed by this. We think it would
be a great idea nonetheless. |
|
In keeping with the theme, we
welcome any excuse to revisit the story of Bob the Lobster. In
1998, Bob was auctioned for charity by a Denver restaurant. The
winner of the 20-yr old lobster wanted to spare his life. Untied
Airlines offered a free ride to New England. Bob lost one claw
on the trip, many believe due to stress. It gets worse. Bob is
taken out to the middle of "beautiful" Boston harbor,
TV crews in tow, and released in an area rife with lobster traps.
There's more? TV clearly catches the rubber band around his remaining
claw that was not removed prior to his final plunge. Experts
gave him 24-hours, tops. |
|
|
While being swept
away by the great white wave that is Ward Churchill, we lost
track of what's important -
The
most successful Buff NBA player of all time visited the White
House last week.
As
former head of the CU College Republicans, Chauncey Billups was
especially taken with the Commander-in-chief. |
|
|
More
CU Buffaloes played in Superbowl XXXIX than players from any
other school (6).
And
if you think we'd show those guys instead of a cheerleader peeling
her skirt, you have too much firewater Kemosabe. |
|
|
|
|
2/10/05 |
One Buff who had it coming |
Christopher Faughnan
graduated from the University of Colorado in 1986. While there,
he met his wife Cathy, a native Coloradoan who would become the
mother of his three children. We invite you to read
more about him here.
Christopher Faughnan
was a trader for Cantor Fitzgerald and was at his office on the
103rd floor of the WTC North Tower on the morning of Sept. 11,
2001. He was not a waiter or a janitor or a fireman. He was a
trader. This husband and father was exactly the type of
person who Ward Churchill insists got what was coming to him.
Incidently, on that day when this "little Eichmann"
got his, his daughters were 7 and 5 and his son was 3. |
|
Using Prof. GreatWhitePieceOfShit's
favorite phrase, it was "natural and inevitable" that
the vocal left step in the pile of doodoo that he provided. What
started out as "we disagree with him but protect his right
to say it" has slowly morphed to "we agree with what
he is saying but have a problem with how he said it". Once
again, they just couldn't help themselves. |
|
|
|
How great is this - the latest
blemish on Professor Great White Piece-of-shit's dancecard is
from a 1987 Denver Post article where Paleface admits to teaching
weapon use and bomb making to the radical group, The Weather
Underground.
Now the best part - our favorite
lazy, left-leaning newspaper didn't even discover their own article.
It took diligent citizen and former HeadBoard burrito supplier
(no shit) Peter Photopolis to do the research. Way to go Burrito
Man, you are big time. And we'll take 2 beef-and-beans and one
Ring-O-Fire w/ extra hot sauce. |
|
"U.S. out of North
America,
U.S. off the planet and
take Canada with you when you go!"
- Former Native
American Ward Churchill,
from a speech in Vancouver, Sept. 2004 |
And it's awfully big
of conservatives such as Limbaugh, Hedgecock, Horowitz and O'Reilly
(oh yeah, he's not a conservative) to encourage retaining Churchill
as a blaring example of what's wrong in academia and America's
left. Good intention. Problem is, it's not their school's reputation
going in the toilet, their tax dollars lining the pockets of
this piece of shit or their endowment being kicked in the endowment. |
Finally, we said the LuvGov
is once again grandstanding. What
we didn't say is how much we appreciate that he is.
Like good cholesterol. |
|
|
|
2/4/05 |
Essays actually worth reading |
As the Jingos we are, we get
all warm and fuzzy over the rare occurances of praise for the
U.S. from foreign shores, especially when combined with a well-deserved
kick to the European cohones.
Most are familiar with Canadian
Gordon Sinclair's 1973
essay that got considerable attention post 9/11, mostly through
inaccurate emails. This week, we came across Europe,
Thy Name Is Cowardice, a Nov. 2004 essay by the CEO of a
large German (yes, German) publisher that spelled out Europe's
pattern of appeasement so effectively that even Barbra Box...um...I
mean Barbra Streis...er...a Barbie doll would get it.
|
We are nothing if not consistant.
When the LuvGov grandstanded over the Gary Barnett issue, we
said so. As much as we agree with him in his disdain for Ward "I said call
me Cochese dammit" Churchill, he's doing it again. One interesting
difference - his new adversaries wiil surely have less restraint
regarding the LuvGov's peccadillos than his previous ones. Stay
tuned. |
|
|
|
Forget the controversy
(or contrived controversy) involving James Dobson and Sponge
Bob et al. The real crisis in the animated world is the widespread
vilifying of young female characters. And we're not talking about
simply empowering these girls. We're talking about down right
bitchifying. You think we're making this up? You think we're
joking? We came up with these little villainesses without even
trying: |
|
Angelica
The Rugrats
The rest owe their careers to the Johnny Carson of the genre |
Helga
Hey Arnold
Angelica with PMS |
|
|
Cindy
Jimmy Neutron
Little penis envy personified |
Dee
Dee
Dexter's Laboratory
Dex's sis is more of a nuisance but unlikable nonetheless |
|
|
Vicky
Fairly Odd Parents
Timmy's babysitter strives for world domination, the only non-blonde
in our list |
Imagine
if TV was around
when Maureen Dowd was a girl. Imagine if electricity was around
when Eleanor Clift was a girl. |
|
Now, the positive.
Current TV cartoon
characters we'd do:
Kim Possible (assuming
she's 18)
Perky breasts, tight belly, flexibility of a Romanian gymnast
Shego,
Kim Possible's nemesis
Just like Kim but NASTY
Trudi
Proud, The Proud Family
A little bit of mocha MILF heaven
Mrs.
Possible
Mission: In Possible |
|
|
2/1/05 |
A Crayola analogy for why there
is not a scheduled troop withdrawal |
Honey, I'm going
to Hooters to watch the Super Bowl.
When will you be home? When it's over.
When will that be? When
one team has won. Well,
what time will that be? I don't know.
Why? Too
many unknowns. Well, can't
you tell when the game will finish? Umm
No. You should still give me a time. Not gonna happen. Why? Because when I give you a time and
then I am not home by that time, you'll be pissed off and I won't
get sex. Well, if you can't
give me a time, you won't get sex anyway so you're screwed (or
not screwed) either way. Good point, I've changed my mind.
Good, what time will you be home? |
10 o'clock
Tuesday
Going to Vegas. |
|
|
We have paid a great price to
gain the fragile faith of the Iraqi people that is fundamental
to success. Sunday's successful election verifies that faith.
Not meeting withdrawal dates that we carelessly provide would
decimate that faith. And all so that a truly disgraceful bloated
pickled bridge-averse trust fund Senator from Mass. can say he
told us so. |
|
|
That school near
and dear just can't keep out of the national headlines. This
time, head of the Ethnic Studies Dept. Ward "no,
seriously, I am a native american" Churchill is getting
the attention for an essay he wrote in the wake of the Sept.
11 terrorist attacks suggesting they were justified.
In Some
People Push Back: On the Justice Of Roosting Chickens, he said America was
merely reaping what it had sown through a long history of violent
domination and assault upon indigenous people. |
Noted Indian Activist
Ward Churchill |
"There
is simply no argument to be made that the Pentagon personnel
killed on September 11 fill that bill" as innocent victims,
Churchill wrote.
"The building and those inside comprised military targets,
pure and simple."
As to those
in the World Trade Center . . . "Well, really. Let's
get a grip here, shall we? True enough, they were civilians,
of a sort. But innocent? Gimme a break." The essay goes
on to describe the victims as "little Eichmanns," referring
to Adolph Eichmann, who executed Adolph Hitler's plan to exterminate
Jews during World War II.
The amazing
thing about this is when he wrote it - SEPT 12, 2001. What kind
of all-encompassing, distorting hatred would one have had to
have? Almost as amazing - it took a scheduled appearance at Hamilton
(NY) College more than 3 years later to bring this to light.
Knowing our
university and the power of tenure, we have little hope for his
dismissal but if you feel so inclined, sign
a petition to fire this piece of shit. |
|
|
Deeyah,
a muslim singer, has been attacked and has received death threats
because she exposes too much of herself. |
We
at the HeadBoard see this less as exposing herself and more as
expressing her freedom. In fact, we encourage her to express
her freedom even further. As much as possible. Express, express,
express. Long, lean freedom. Supple, perky freedom.
. |
|
|
|
To
paraphrase The Who: Meet the new boss, he's the same as the old
boss. Nice to see that the new minority leader in the Senate
has the same spirit of cooperation as his predecessor. Reid's
vote against Rice pretty much fills in the blanks. |
Boxer, Jeffords, Bird and Kennedy |
Every
time we stumble upon a nude beach, we see exactly what we hope
to avoid - a bunch a fat guys' penises and old womens' breasts.
Kind of like Boxer/Kennedy/Bird at Rice's confirmation - an abhorrent
display to anyone except those participating.
"C'mon
Uncle Teddy, football on skis was a family tradition too but
we don't do that anymore" |
|
|
|
1/24/05 |
T.O. be or not T.O. be |
The
most pissed off people after Sunday's games? Those with the early
tickets on the NFC getting 7. If Pitt had pulled it off instead
of just pulling it, those resourceful early bettors would have
got a 10-13 point jump on the spread (Philly would have been
favored over Pitt by 3-6). As it turned out, they got what most
everyone else will get. And lay the 6 1/2 while you can, it will
hit 7 by tomorrow and there will be no turning back. |
|
|
|
Not to jump to unfair conclusions
but...
DUDE - YOU SHOT YOURSELF IN
THE FACE WITH A NAIL AND DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT FOR SIX FUCKING
DAYS. Despite any evidence to the contrary, THIS COMBINATION
MAKES YOU A STUPID MAN. That said...
"Senator
Boxer, we have the
results from your X-ray..."
. |
|
|
|
|
1/20/05 |
so cute we could puke (no more) |
You all agree but we're petty
enough to admit it - we revel in the failure and misery of these
two beautiful idiots.
Why is that you say? |
|
Going out
with a bang |
"Bush is a fucking idiot"
- Jen, Rolling Stone Interview
"We'd pass her [a 17-yr
old Jenna Bush] in the hall, and Brad would say, 'Heyyyy, Jenna,
wanna beer? I got one in the truck!'" - Jen, Rolling Stone
Interview
"The past few years of
conflict mean that yet another generation of Israelis and Palestinians
will grow up in hatred," reads a statement from Pitt and
Aniston. "We cannot allow that to happen." -
Brad & Jen in the Daily Telegraph |
Inauguration
Presents from the Party of the Ass
1.Delaying
confirmation of Condi Rice so that Kennedy and
Leahy could fully declare their support
2. The DNC is about to become the DeanNC
3. the best for last...
|
|
|
1/18/05 |
the cocktail napkin |
Prompted by the tax-cut-led economic growth of the past eighteen
months, YTD
tax collections grew by 10.5 percent according to the TreasDept's
latest report. It worked when Kennedy did it, it worked when
Reagan did it and it has worked once again - A TAX RATE CUT
HAS LED TO INCREASED TAX REVENUES (*some details below).
What sucks is the surprising
number of Red voters who still don't understand this principle,
including a Senator from AZ who claims that in a time of war
and a struggling economy, we can't afford a tax cut.
*From Kudlow
in NRO
With 50 percent cash-bonus expensing for the purchase of plant
and equipment, productivity-driven corporate profits ranging
around 20 percent have generated a 45 percent rise in business
taxes. At lower income-tax rates, employment gains of roughly
2.5 million are throwing off more than 6 percent in payroll-tax
receipts. Personal tax revenues are rising at a near 9 percent
pace. |
Laffer's Curve is a
simple enough concept that should be familiar to everyone on
this side of Barbra Boxer on the bell curve
maybe this will help
generate interest |
|
|
|
|
The home field advantage during
the NFL playoffs is like a vagina - some have it and know what
to do with it, some have it and don't have a clue what to do
with it, some don't have it but make the most of others and some
don't have it and are lost without it. |
|
Denver lost this year's playoff
game weeks before their trip to Indy. Similarly, Indy lost yesterday's
game in Week 1. Both Indy and, even more so, New England know
exactly what to do with the home field. Contrarily, the two Pennsylvania
teams know less about what to do with the home field vagina than
any teams in the league. Should make for an interesting weekend,
make ours Chowda and cheesesteak.
And speaking of vaginas, Peyton
continues his string of being somebody's. Couldn't beat the Gators,
can't beat the Pats. |
Aye of Newt
|
Trust us, he's just sellin' books.
We like Newt, we often agree with Newt, we know that Newt could
never be elected President and we know that Newt knows that too.
We watched twice now as the Dems feebly tried to counter that
"it" that GW has. We would watch in horror as they
exploited Newt's lack of the same. Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, end
of story. |
|
|
|
|
|
In her latest, Maureen
Dowd laments that men don't want her because men only want
dim, subservient women. That's like saying men don't want genital
warts because men only want Ferraris.
As perpetually horny as the
HeadBoard staff is, this is a hurdle none of us could overcome.
In fact, we're shaking as we type this. It burns. Break the glass...... |
|
.......ahhhhhhh, better now |
Remember - this kids dad chose.... |
this over ..........this |
so what the hell did you expect,
Newton?
|
|
|
Couric: When your story broke,
Coach Barnett, as you well know, held a press conference in which
he said, "She was awful..."
No mention
that those three words were part of an answer to the direct question
of why the players resented her. Answer: they resented her because
she didn't earn her way onto the team. She didn't earn her way
because she COULDN'T KICK
Hnida: For me that was the
Coach Barnett that I knew. That was the way that he had dealt
with me throughout the year that I spent with him on his team.
That was his disposition towards me.
What the hell
did she expect? In '99, Barnett let 3 walk-on kickers go, all
of whom could out kick Miss Katie. Think they'd didn't "have
a dream" to play for CU too? So yes, there was probably
some resentment. Sue him. For the first time, someone didn't
want Dr. Dave's homecoming queen. Welcome to life. (20-20, he
should have been the prick back then that everyone is portraying
him to be now and reneged on the previous coach's promise, sending
her to Shangralalbuquerque.)
Couric: But, it wasn't just
questioning your athletic ability. He said you had kissed everybody
on the team.
Couric gives
the impression that he made these comments in the aforementioned
press conference. In fact, a similar statement was part of his
grand jury testimony taken under oath. The truth was that someone
had, in fact, relayed such stories to him. He was bound by the
law to provide that information when queried. Incidently, the
testimony was leaked illegally, not provided by Barnett. Finally,
Barnett's factual testimony was in stark contrast to the deposition
of Boulder DA Mary Keenan where she testified that, though she
lacked evidence to press charges in any of the pertinent sexual
assault cases, SHE FELT THAT THERE WAS A PRESENCE
OF GUILT. fabulous.
Hnida: No.
Couric: That you had done lap
dances?
nah, too easy
Hnida: Unbelievable things.
I can handle him saying I'm a crappy kicker. I can handle him
saying whatever he wants about me, you know, in the athletic
arena. But, to attack my character, to attack who I am as a person
is completely unacceptable, and I think it's despicable.
Who has attacked
who's character? Though according to script, that interview was
completely unacceptable and despicable. Hopefully, she'll grant
an interview with a more objective party. Capils would do fine. |
|
|
|
Katie Hnida, looking
resplendent in an indigo silk blouse (gotta be D. Karan!), golden
hair coiffed yet disheveled (we see Raquel Welch, meow!), was
interviewed by Katie Couric (looking several years past resplendent)
today on TODAY. |
We called Hillary Swank
in the title roll back in February. |
No way that this appearance
has anything to do with rumored book and/or movie deals. You
go girl, next stop - the NFL!
Randy likey,
yeah baby! |
Seriously, Miss Hnida indicated
today that the investigation into her rape is ongoing with the
Attorney General and some unnamed Boulder law enforcement entity.
Give us a fucking break, sounds like someone has hired a PR firm.
Gloria Allred's next. Rape allegedly occurred in '99, '05 sounds
like a good year to get it going. Forget about 5 years worth
of other potential victims and all of the players whose reputations
were trashed en masse because she wouldn't finger the perp when
she felt compelled to pile on. She did, after all, have elegibility
left. |
|
This requested rare
photo of now famous Desperate Housewife Eva Longaria was taken
at a party on the banks of the Arkansas River in Pueblo, Colorado.
We don't care if you're
homeless or a bank president, we take care of our customers.
Ay chi baba |
|
|
|
Shit. As of 14:13 MDT,
it is officially hockey season. We expected the Colts to fade
last year, they did. They will not fade this year. And thanks
once more to Headlights and the Bills for losing to the Steelers'
lunch ladies last week to seal our doom. No one and we mean no
one would beat Manning in Indy this year. There was a reason
we wanted SD and Marty came screaming through (way to set up
the rook). And the Post's Terry (dontcallmeamber) Frei thought
Barton's hit was unintentional? Have to respect a writer who
covers games drunk, maybe we could do that. Hell, we were
pulling for the Chargers at that point just to see the tsunami-like
carnage in the tri-state area.
Speaking of hockey,
a beloved HeadBoard alma mater swept the Golden O-fers in a battle
of 1-2s this weekend. Makes up for the concerted drubbing the
Norse put on the rest
of us. Voting went as predicted though Mark
Roberts had a better representation of talent for his awards
and got the winner correct. (The pastor chose not to link here?
A good man nonetheless.) The one that will win never gave up
the lead but never was worthy of it either. |
Go CC |
hey coach...got a little..um..
something on your...uh... |
Most people have the class
to move on regarding the Katie Hnida situation. Fortunately,
were are not so burdened. Miss Katie got a nice writeup in Sat's
RMN and will be on the Today Show tomorrow (hard to imagine how
that will go). For a quick refresher:
- her handling of the situation
should not be held up as an example of what to do if sexually
assaulted but exactly what not to do. Act early and act specifically
or don't bring it at all.
- for the last time - Barnett
was responding to the question of why his players resented her,
not why was she raped. Fact: she could not kick her way onto
a single D-1 program in the country.
- Rocky Long was either misquoted in the RMN
or he is just flatout a low-rent lying piece of shit when he
"swears" that Hnida earned her spot on the UNM team.
Sorry coach, for some reason I think we could find at least a
dozen kids from the rez alone that would out kick her for a walk-on
spot. It was a nice gesture to give a gal a spot but have the
onions to admit what it was - charity that you were all to happy
to wallow in the glory of. You just want to get your licks in
with the rest of 'em, that's why you'll always be a coach at
a hind tit like UNM. And a low-rent, lying piece of shit. |
. |
|
|
1/07/05 |
The Perverted Little Engine
That Could |
Out of the morass of
325 entries to the Hugh Hewitt genu-fest, The HeadBoard nails
2 of the 10 finalists and we didn't even use babes to get there.
Now is when the cronyism kicks in and we get our asses handed
to us, but what the hell, it stroked us. vote
for #89 or #200.
A few
that we think were deserving: #17 Al Gore, #25 Monolith, #259
Ratpack, #265 LGF's revisiting of Rathergate (the only other
animation besides the #193 Monty Python Foot, what we considered
our best) and finally, #315 Ralphie's soap. Originality was at
a premium. |
|
|
Another holiday
season, another successful radio barrage by Rocky Mozel and the
Intl Star Registry. Talk radio would be a good place to expose
what a scam this practice is but you never hear a word of it
due to the huge amount of $$ ISR spends on advertising. So here
is everything any desperate soul
needs before they take the leap. |
And
let us clarify - we aspire to be ISR. Anyone who can legally
(barely) screw buyers out of $70 million for hot air is our hero.
And why should Clear Channel fall on the sword to protect idiots
who should be protecting themselves? God Bless America.
. |
|
|
1/06/05 |
HeadBoard Physics 101 |
Irresistible Force
v. Immovable Object |
The Overstock.com O
woman and Smilin' Bob, the Enzyte guy.
You'd pay-per-view
that, you know you would. |
McAuliff back in play, Dean still
in play. Boxer gets deaked into acting like she's in a Boulder
City Council meeting. Leahy looks like OU to Gonzales' USC. It's
beyond these guys doing what we hope they would do. Now, they're
finding ways to screw themselves that we wouldn't even think
of. |
|
|
|
Bowl Dump
All in all, a very entertaining
bowl season.
- The Buffs overcome themselves
and a MWC ref crew for a surprisingly sweet and meaningful win.
(For those of you who are on to the selective reporting of old
media regarding politics but are unexplainedly willing to accept
every sound byte about the Colorado football program from the
same sources as gospel, here is your chance to educate
yourselves.)
- The Liberty lived up, Georgia
ressurected the immaculate reception, Iowa provided one of their
own, ASU toyed w/ Purdue's emotions and the Rose was an instant
classic (piss on Blue). Needless to say, we at the HeadBoard
spent many semi-coherent hours in front of the tube with one
hand on a beer and the other on our joysticks.
- the most anticipated 1-2
NC game laid a monumental egg as history predicted it would (maybe
we were too quick with the mea culpa).
Tuberville had the same look Belotti did at halftime of the '01
Rose Bowl - "sure, (gulp) we'd like to play 'em." Considering
the talent disparity in the Big XII Champ and the game last night,
we're thankful for X-country and skiing.
We don't want to but we
have to just once
Ashlee Simpson is now an icon
for bad, probably to an unrecoverable point. Even the 10-yr olds
now have to deny her or face the ridicule that can be fatal to
them. We see a rapid decent into sloe gin and heroin, ending
with a string of night-vision pornos that will be offered ad
nauseum to all of us from xbtyzxh@istoleyourdomain.com. Or worse
>
(If anyone knows Mr/Ms xbtyzxh,
please pass on that it's not bigger, it won't last all night,
the neighborhood MILF was NOT aching for it and I want my goddamn
money back.) |
|
|
|
|
|
12/27/04 |
30 days in the hole, food not
bad, cable could be better... |
Since we've been "away":
-Buffs got absolutely decimated
in KC, the second easiest money of the year (-21.5). Broncos
got only slightly less decimated in KC, the easiest money of
the year (+1!). Where's the Greek when you need him.
- Our man Rumy taking heat
in every orifice. A planted question from a Tenn NG soldier gets
the left's ire back. As expected, one line (and a valid one at
that) of SecDen's response played ad naseum, pertinent portions
omitted. Turns out the unit of the questioning soldier was over
97% armored at the time of the question, fully shortly after.
We are still, however, looking for a reasonable explanation for
not hand-signing condolence letters. But the best way to deal
with such a blunder is to admit it was one, change and go on.
Man, that pisses 'em off at Air America where the person not
signing the condolence letter is more villified than the terrorist
who made it necessary.
VDH
says it all (there, now we're like all the other blogs, you happy?).
There,
now we're not like all the other blogs. We're happy, screw you.
- the DNC is like a grass outhouse
on a Sri Lankan beach - full of shit and badly in need of rebuilding.
Somehow, Howard Dean is still in play on this. W. Webb would
be a fine choice, here's to them not making it. |
Black Eyed Mea Culpas
What the HeadBoard got wrong
this year:
- the chick from the Black
Eyed Peas
We based our assessment on
a single video. After further research, we have to pull our approval
due to a face closer to Ethyl Merman's than Ellen Nordgren's.
- the Orange Bowl
We pulled for Auburn due to
the still-lingering taste in our mouth from the shit sandwich
OU served us in their last 2 games in '03. After revisiting Auburns
non-con schedule (LA Tech, La monroe and the Citadel, all at
home) and witnessing OU's recent performances, we are fully in
favor of the best NC matchup in our memory. We empathize with
any undefeated team from a good conference missing out on the
opportunity but rest assured, the only people who prefer to see
Auburn in Miami over the other two love Dale Earnhardt and hate
Al'bama.
Everything else was dead nuts
on. |
|
|
|
Barnett Big XII Coach of
the Year
The infirmary at the Boulder
NOW chapter has been full since the election. Now this. What
a kick in the balls.
Now the Bob Leys of the world
will surely revisit the situation and report that not a single
investigation to date has turned up evidence that implicates
Barnett in the ALLEDGED recruiting transgressions. And one of
the aforementioned Boulder NOW chicks will be Miss February in
the 2005 Hooters calendar. |
Nat. Org
of Women's Big XII Coach of the Year accepts his trophy |
And Merry World Aids Day to
all and to all a good night. Even after 20 years of money being
thrown at this at a rate extremely disproportionate to the population
of those at risk, people still try to blame Reagan's delayed
reaction for the absense of a vaccine/cure.
Two people whose efforts deserve
mention:
1 Elton John - $40 million+, when you put that much money where
your mouth is, we don't care what else you put there
2 GW - spent more (to the consternation of many, the surprise
of more) fighting HIV than any previous Pres. Man, does that
have to hurt |
|
|
|
hello mullah, hello fatah... |
|
|
|
The
Buffs will score at least as many points vs OU as Texas did. |
Let us start by saying how
we almost feel bad for Iowa St. They had their most important
game in 92 years in their house and in their hands and they went
csu. Toodly doodly.
Big XII north worst division
ever, only South team Buffs would beat is Baylor, 21.5 is not
going to be enough, the only time all year that the Buffs led
the North was, well, now, blah blah blah. All that and the last
page of every SI will get you a wiped behind.
- the Buffs still had to win
this title the same way OU won the South - on the field.
- As explained here
in detail, the CU football program faces more local opposition
than any D-1 program anywhere, period. These guys overcame an
offseason, including a lengthy suspension of their head coach,
that many thought would surely cost them this season and possibly
a competitve program for good. Instead, they play for the title
for the 3rd time in 4 years.
So screw you guys, we're going
to Kansas City. |
|
|
|
11/24/04 |
I wanna be an Airborne Ranger... |
Regarding exit strategy, the operation
to pull out of two volatile and strategically prized locations
began Oct. 22. At the 30-day assessment, a significant number
of Rangers were still present. Another assessment will be done
in 30 days.
As usual, the all-volunteer force has been exemplary in the initial
removal operation. Local support, however, has been less than
expected. From an anonymous Master Sergeant: "Sir,
whatever we get from the locals is gravy, sir." Inscription
may be imminent. Or maybe we found the perfect way for the French
to chip in. |
|
|
How many blogs
that were smokin' a month ago are now down to "Montclair
pooped in my Weejun today, still upset about the election, ha,ha,ha!"
or "Fare thee well faithful readers, alas I need some rest".
What the hell do you think this is, darts? (you really gotta see
this)
The HeadBoard will always nut
it up. |
. |
Flopping
around on the deck.
Get the club. |
|
|
|
Mistletoe
Crotchless
|
Santa's
Helper
G-string
|
|
|
Narrowing down
the choices for the Mrs's |
Tharp is gone,
good riddance. He was pretty much a piece-of-crap AD, not because
of the trumped-up controversies surrounding the program but because
he was pretty much a piece-of-crap AD. Negotiations with your
humble commentator to assume the position have hit an impasse,
some beef about a table dance team and Title IX. (S'head thinks
Ceal Barry will get the call after I turn them down, dually noted
you fatheaded godless drunk.)
And for the
last time - sports commentators should stick to sports, political
commentators should stick to politics, hot chick experts should
stick to hot chicks.
|
Only
the HeadBoard is qualified to offer expert commentary on all
three, though we prefer to stick to hot chicks. |
|
. |
|
|
|
|
So TO hooked
up with Nicollette Sheridan, who wouldn't? Anyone want to take
a shot at the number of MNF viewers who really were
offended by the once-hot-now-so-so MILF going locker room
Mandingo?
yep, zero.
Next week,
Terry Hatcher sits on Tom Brady's face. Are you ready for some
football? uh.. I will be in a few minutes. |
If the people
of Iraq can't draw the line at the killing of Margaret Hassan,
there may not be a line to be drawn. Look, we know you've lived
your entire lives in the camel's asshole ruled by camel's excrement
so critical thinking is new to most of you but WTFUp. She was
good. They are evil. Our marines are the former eliminating the
latter. And what part of $25 million doesn't compute? How about
this - 2 goats and a hookah for whoever drops the dime on Zarqawi. |
|
|
|
11/16/04 |
Bowling for Buffaloes |
Special kudos
to those Buffs for beating KSU with a 64-yd TD pass with 6 seconds
left. Bowl eligible this year is particularly sweet.
And did anyone
notice yet another audit that came up dry? Bob Ley? Special thanks
to Ohio St for showing what full community support can lead to,
imagine the trouble we could get into with that?
Bill Calahan
made a bunch of new fans by kicking and covering on the final
play of the game even though down by 30. And Stoops (and the
member of the spirit squad who spit chicklets) looked surprisingly
like, well, pussies. If it comes down to USC/Aub/OU undefeated
at the end, look for a huge payback for last year's impotant
finish by the Sooners. Frankly, we'd Sooner see USC/Auburn than
y'all. |
|
|
|
11/9/04 |
Finally back to what counts
- chicks and sports |
|
That would
be Fox Sports hahhhhhtie Lisa Dergan showering in the HeadBoard's
clubhouse.
And that would be Team Tuna who outlasted the despised Terminators
of S'head to bring home the $$ last night. Die Terminators, shit
sucking reprobates.
Ah, so nice
to get back to what counts. |
But just when
we're basking in Lisa's booty and our looty, politics drags us
back in like Michael Corleone: Howard Dean announces he wants
to chair the DNC. Noam Chomsky not interested?
I must have
done something special in another life because I sure haven't
done anything in this one to deserve this. |
|
|
|
|
Two photos
that sum up the fever swamp before and after the election
|
The infamous lump
photo from the first debate was proof in the minds of many progressives
(progressing nicely towards irrelevance) that Karl Rove was not
only figuratively calling the shots but literally as well. Two
points: if the President of the United States wanted to receive
discreet transmissions, don't you think he might have
access to technology that didn't require a lunchbox strapped
to his back? And, now that the election is complete, the Secret
Service has provided what should (but won't) be the final word:
the lump is associated with the bullet proof vest that was used
but not openly discussed due to the prudent policy of not discussing
security details during an election where Machiavelli is more
visible than the Dem VP candidate. |
In '02, the Dems reacted to evisceration
by going left. This time, though thoughtful Dems have realized
that change in their party is crucial, the far left that was
such a dominant faction in '04 believe that 1)the election was
rigged and 2)the religious right was largely responsible. In
2004, moral values was most influencial in 22% of voters.
The war on terror (incl. Iraq) 40%, the economy 25%. Moral issues
(incl. abortion) were most important to 27% in '92, 49% in '96
and '00. So portraying the 59 million+ who voted correctly as
zealots or too stupid not be manipulated by zealots is a myth
and hopefully those who are portraying it so are the one's who
will continue to steer the donkey. |
Straight from Fatass's website |
Despite rampant voter fraud
(some people voted every freaking day) and intimidation (only
the Kerry cups up front, you know who you are you Boulder County
communist scum), the 7/11 coffee poll nails it once again:
51.08% Bush (51.33 actual)
48.92 % Kerry (48.32 actual) |
|
|
If Chevy Chase hasn't put a gun
in his mouth, he can reprise his Generalisimo Francisco Franco
schtick for Arafat. That is if he can squeeze it in around the
filming of his next blockbuster. |
. |
|
|
|
We remember the streets
of Ramalah on Sept 12, 2001.
Pass the watermelon
Jolly Ranchers. |
|
In the post-mortem,
a wing of the Republican party (near and dear) is predictably
ignored by both sides: the less spiritual, gambling, drinking,
slightly perverted, hawkish, champions of fiscal and personal
responsibility who, nonetheless, are comfortable with people
of faith and their decisions as leaders based on that faith (as
long as we are free to celebrate the leveling of Fallujah by
blowing our tax refund on booze and strippers in Vegas, preferably
at OG).
The HeadBoard (sans Burkhalter) wing of the GOP.
The difference
between success and failure is the difference between what the
faithless bring to the Elephant and what the faithful bring to
the Donkey. Glad to oblige, no recognition necessary. Just don't
piss us off. |
|
|
|
The bad before the good: Colorado
lost a Senate seat thanks to Nighthorse. He could've won re-election
in his pajamas and then quit but he didn't. He should've made
two phone calls before bailing (Owens & McGinnis) but didn't.
He could've stepped up for Pete Coors but didn't. But "that's
just Ben". Well, piss on Ben.
Like we said, where
liberal presidential campaigns go to die.
And not all of the Dems are
swinging from redwoods today. The wink-nose tap coming from Clinton²McAuliff
celebrates a masterful job of setting up Hillary in '08 by eliminating
Kerry AND Edwards (man, did they play Edwards). We appreciate
politics on all sides and these guys pulled off a gem. And Air
America now has a 50-50 shot at seeing February as opposed to
the 1-in-270 if Kerry won. "Mr. Soros, vee have not received
zis veek's check." click "Mr. Soros?" click "Ahllo?"
click
Yesterday was setup exactly
2 years ago today. The Dems reacted to a historical midterm ass-kicking
by 1)lurching left ala Pelosi and 2)keeping McAuliff (see above).
Favorite Black Wednesday rantings
on Air America: "America, you are an ASS!" and the
idea that the exit polls were right and the polls were corrupt
(good day Drudge, you blew more by noon than most conspiracists
blow all day).
Thank you Florida, thank you
Ohio.
And finally, we at the HeadBoard
believe it is time to put all of our differences behind and unite for America,
to be gracious in victory and praise the effort of those who
competed against us.
But, uh, not
before this:
fuckyouFatass, fuckyouPDiddy, fuckyouTDaschly, fuckyouGideon,
fuckyouOprah(yech), fuckyouCameron(twice), fuckyouMatfleck, fuckyouBruce,
fuckyouSoros, fuckyouPeterLewis, fuckyouFrance, fuckyouGermany,
fuckyouFranceagain, fuckyouEddyVedder, fuckyouDixieChicks(try
a salad, Natalie), fuckyouLittleSteven(but not Sylvio), fuckyouJamesGandolfini(but
not TonyS), fuckyouGarafalo(backdoor), fuckyouJenningsBrokaw,
fuckyouChrisMathews, fuckyouRobReiner,
breathe
fuckyouBegala,
fuckyouJamieAmanpour, fuckyouCostanza, fuckyouSamuelL, fuckyouAshtonMoore,
fuckyouDrew, fuckyouBillieJoe, fuckyouDaveMatthews, fuckyouyourbandtoo,
fuckyouSherylCrow, fuckyouWyclef, fuckyouMartinSheen, fuckyouJohnStewart,
fuckyouHelenThomas(maidenvoyageonthetitanic), fuckyouBillMaher,
fuckyouEminem, fuckyouBinghole, fuckyouGraydonCarter, fuckyouGenWes,
frankyouFucken, fuckyouLouieDepalma, fuckyouChuckD, fuckyouthatguyfromthewestwingmarriedtoMalcomsMom,
fuckyouHertoo, fuckyouChristinasvagina, fuckyoudidwealreadysayFrance?,
fuckyouMadonna, fuckyouR, fuckyouE, fuckyouM, fuckyouPolisGillStryker(nah,
fuckyourselves), fuckyoumostBaldwins, fuckyouJFatJoe, fuckyouHowardLaurel,
fuckyouAlHardy, fuckyouWhoopiesbush, fuckyouRosie(strapon), fuckyou
TinaBrowneye, and last but not least, fuckyouDanRather and goodnight.
|
|
|
|
Even hot chicks aren't enough
to get us to MTV in these last few days but, by habit, the TV
ended up there Sunday morning. "20 million questions for
President Bush", MTV's fair and balanced look at the right
side of the ticket: |
|
|
- Opening montage of
shots of the President playing to Green Day's "American
Idiot" (WTF, didn't think anyone would notice?)
- Fat, pimply tie-wearing young
Republicans ("Go Republican, you'll screw the poor but you'll
never screw hot chicks")
- The active military pilot
based in S. Korea caustically questioning his commander-in-chief
(he might want to freshen up on the UCMJ)
The good news is that, last
we checked, one has to be 18 to vote, so the only people who
Eminem and PDiddy influence have at least 2 more elections until
they can vote. |
|
|
|
10/25/04 |
Puppet 69, kick-ass! |
|
So Matt Stone thinks that if
you don't take the time to educate yourself, you shouldn't vote.
Just another buffalo who gets it. The right to vote is not the
right to have your vote counted if the only effort you can muster
is to fall out of bed on the first f*cking Tuesday in Nov every
4 years.
Frankly, if the only way to
get you to vote is to let you register with some clipboard-carrying
sweater meat outside of your liquor store, I don't want you to
be part of the process because we probably won't agree on much
beyond an appreciation for liquor and sweater meat.
And nothing beats that
condescending prick Sean Penn chastising Stone for saying so.
The firepower he lacks to take on the likes of Parker and Stone
is evident to everyone but himself.
And |
|
And no more stops in
Colorado for the incumbent. Jesus, you had us at "I do solemnly
swear...". If you're farting around in Greeley, you're not
in Ohio or Florida or any other state that's actually in play.
Don't take this the wrong way but GO AWAY.
. |
|
|
10/19/04 |
The man is making some damn
fine choices these days |
Nice Bush
Spends days with GW
and nights with Carrie Stevens. Who said there are no more role
models in sports? |
nice bush |
The genius of Karl Rove isn't
as much his ability to steer his campaign where he wants
it to go as it is his ability to steer their campaign
where he wants it to go. Kerry2004 has been steered to
where absurd claims and promises now drown out everything else,
past and present. To where the campaigns of liberal presidential
candidates go to die. |
|
- With the help of old media
stroking him through 3 debates, Kerry reached the level of invincibility
where he felt he could speak for the lesbian daughter of his
opponent whom he had never met. The audible groan in the media
room was as if he was one step from victory but moved without
hearing "Simon Says".
- The candidate that never
met a tax increase he didn't like or a defense program that he
did will cut our taxes and improve our defense.
- Grandma will either freeze
to death due to Social Security cuts or die of heat stroke thanks
to global warming. Unvaccinated, she will catch the flu and expire
on a 36-hr bus junket to Saskatchewan for her lumbago meds or
get blown up in Iraq after being drafted and stuck into an armorless
Humvee (turn signal always on).
- His partner feeling such
confidence to promise that people will razz from their wheelchez
and wolk when John Kerry is 'lected.
- His wife wants in on it?
No problem, sweetheart, just put the sandwich down long enough
to accuse a parent of being ashamed of their child. Now put the
sandwich back in and prepare to get walloped if ever in the same
room with LC.
- Bush says there will be no
draft. Cheney says there will be no draft. Rumsfeld says no goddamn
draft. The whole fucking Pentagon says please, no draft.
The Reps force a vote on the Rangell's scumbag draft bill and
he (and 401 of 403 colleagues) votes no. But John Kerry
thinks he can convince you that, if GW is re-elected, there will
be a draft.
Like I said, where these campaigns
go to die.
|
And at least some
canucks are getting it. I sell you back bacon for a few baby
seal pelts thinking that you will be selling it to Eskimos up
north (what can I say, I have a soft spot for Eskimos). I then
find out that you are selling it to my customers here in Moosejaw.
Guess what, eh? You'll be paying a lot more baby seal pelts for
your back bacon. And I'll hit you. |
|
|
|
10/11/04 |
W KILLED SUPERMAN |
|
You're going to hear that so we
might as well get it over with (Kerry will sit next to littleronniereagan
at the funeral, heard it here first). Might as well revisit stem
cell research too: Bush made a call based on his faith to not
use federal funding for one type of research - new lines of embyonic
stem cells. He didn't ban stem cell research. He didnt stop federal
funding of all stem cell research. And, contrary to the ballerina
son of a great President, he did not make the decision based
on politics. Only the party with a tradition of making decisions
based on political windfall would acuse the other side of the
same while pointing out how politically damaging the same decision
should be. |
Good day for the Army yesterday,
winning NASCAR, NHRA Top Fuel and Pro Stock bike titles. John
Edwards immediately released a statement that the failure of
a US Army car to win the F1 Japanese Grand Prix was yet another
indication of the Bush Admin's failed foreign policy. |
And finally, in the
last, loaded, biased question in Friday's debate (asking Bush
to recite 3 mistakes he made), an opportunity was lost. How's
this: 1. hiring Paul O'neil 2. keeping Richard Clark and 3. trusting
Joe Wilson |
|
|
10/8/04 |
Bad intelligence, we take responsibility |
There are times when we must simply take responsibility for failure.
In areas of intelligence that are critical to our lives, there
are no excuses for coming up short.
It has been brought to our
attention only this week that Elin Nordegren, now Mrs. Tiger
Woods, has a sister. A twin sister. An identical, smokin' hot,
pitch-a-tent twin sister. We know that our readers count on us
to be aware of such things. We know we have let you down. We
have "accepted" the resignation of our chief intelligence
officer and accept any punishment that Elin and Josefin want
to meat out. |
|
And you think we're
pissed at France?
There is only one reason Sadaam is not in one of his palaces
right now and instead has a date with a noose and 2 worm-riddled
sons: he thought France had his back.
You have one Criminal
and 3 police officers. Officer 1 and Officer 2 are corrupt, having
taken $$ from Criminal in exchange for protecting Criminal from
Officer 3. Now there is a standoff. Criminal is surrounded by
Officers 1, 2 and 3, his hand inside his jacket where it would
be if he had a holstered gun. Officers 1 & 2 tell him to
remove his hand but to do it whenever he pleases. Officer 3 tells
him to remove his hand and to do it now or he will shoot him
where he stands. Considering his promise of protection from 1
& 2, Criminal decides to wait it out. Officer 3 is from Texas.
bang. Criminal is dead. This has been a presentation of the UN
Oil for Food Program. If you need help with the cast of characters,
you haven't been paying attention. |
|
|
|
10/4/04 |
practice, grasshopper, practice |
The Senator works on his new handshake with political consultant
Cameron Diaz, further evidence that the Clinton team has indeed
taken control of the Kerry campaign. |
|
The master himself, shown here with Alexandra Kerry in cans..er..Cannes
|
|
|
|
Visitors who access Marilyn
Musgrave's 2002 campaign site (through outdated links or, of
course, here)
are either pleasantly surprised or thoroughly revolted to find
that they can purchase both Jenna Jameson's vibrating 2-holer
and the DVD "One Night in Paris" (Hilton).
And to think Soros only gets
moveon.org and Janeane Garafalo for his contributions, what a
maroon. |
|
Whole new meaning
to pulling for Republicans
. |
|
|
|
In one last flailing round-house,
Michael Moore recently posted the following letter to his minions:
[Note: in the tradition of
Moore's work, we have edited the
original to provide a version we prefer. In doing so, nothing
was added or rearranged - only parts considered insignificant
were omitted. Hope he doesn't mind] |
Dear Friends of doom,
I quit. The Republicans are
laughing at us. They are never finished -- they just keeping
moving forward like sharks that never sleep, always pushing.
They are relentless and that is why we secretly admire them --
they just simply never, ever give up. Republicans own it all
-- the White House, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court
and the majority of the governorships. How do you think they've
been able to pull that off? It's because they eat you and me
and every other liberal for breakfast.
Kerry is one lousy candidate
and can't win. he's a Democrat, for heavens sake! That party
is pathetic, they lose elections! What were you expecting? Bruce
Springsteen and I are phony bastards and Oprah just gave God
a friggin' Pontiac!
My friends, You are being snookered
if you believe the Clinton A-team. Kerry has decided to make
that mistake. Conventional wisdom says if the election is decided
on terrorism, Bush wins. If it is decided on the job we are doing
in Iraq, then Bush is only higher and Mr. and Mrs. America know
it.
There is no way out. It is
a full-blown mess and Kerry, an immoral plasticized turkey, is
this failure of monumental proportions. So, All is over. WE knew
Kerry... No sense in fighting now...what I need is sleep.
The people need another four
years of George Bush. Americans want Moore w.
desperately,
Michael Moore |
|
|
|
Are we surprised at MTV giving
up the thin veil (mmm..thin veil) of objectivity. Nope. Are we
amused? Yep. And what the hell do you mean what are we doing
watching MTV? Have you SEEN that chicken
from the Black Eyed Peas? That video where she's dressed like
a school girl, doing the hip thrust thing? Oh yea, she's on that
tour bus for her rhymes.
But we digress.
Monkey
Likey |
Some of our
favorites:
- House intellectual/elitist Gideon Yago's objective reports
from Iraq and the Kerry campaign bus. Has since temporarily
traded his loft in the village for a studio in Kerry's crack
(bunking w/ Graydon Carter)
- The commercial trying to
scare the malt liquor piss out of partyers with the threat to
reinstate the draft (that's Charlie Rangell, the DEM who introduced
the
bill that would do just that, getting table dance from Lil'
Kim).
- The "Oh-my-God! voting
is so coo-uhl" documentary hosted by Drew Barrymore.
No one gets through to 18-24 yr olds like a 30-yr old who speaks
like a 14-yr old.
- Another doc hosted by Christina
Aguliera intimating that the next stop for the Bush administration
after Baghdad is your bedroom (she's pissed her vagina is on
a DHS watchlist for potential terrorist safehouses.)
Hard to pick. |
|
|
|
Prime Minister Allawi has onions.
Big f*cking onions. He's been marked for "liquidation"
by Sadaam since 1978, others since the spider hole. Damn near
got his head chopped off. With
an ax. He accepts the odds against him retiring to a place
like Chapequa or Crawford to live out his golden years, after
all, it will only take one zealot to get lucky while he has to
be lucky every time. |
|
|
Joe Lockhart calls the same man
a puppet. Fat Joe thinks that Allawi has some reason to blindly
parrot the Bush administration ("you can almost see the
hand underneath the shirt today moving the lips") even
at the detriment to the country he will more than likely give
his life for. Joe Lockhart has little onions. Tiny f*cking onions
that any self-respecting gibson would be embarrassed to call
its own. |
Since we're on Lockhart (we really
don't want to have to revisit this piece of crap), we think he
would be an excellent authority on the notion of Bush lying about
WMDs. Follow close:
1) Lockhart states that Bush lied about WMDs.
2) Given that every report to date emphasizes that Bush never
knowingly gave false information (i.e. LIED as defined by most),
Lockhart must believe that just the act of supplying false information,
even if you believe it to be true, is considered LYING. |
|
(The only other alternative
is for him not to believe the 9/11 Commission, the Butler report,
Senate Intel Committee....)
3) As Whitehouse spokesman, Fat Joe regularly provided false
information even though he believed it was true (unlike Monica,
we'll swallow hard and give him the benefit of the doubt).
4) Lockhart, by his own apparent definition of lying, LIED. Fat
Joe either then has to admit (incorrectly) that he and Bush both
lied or accept (correctly) that neither lied.
Maybe David Gregory can raise his head long enough to ask the
questions? Nah.
|
|
|
|
|
9/20/04 |
2 Colorado universities, 2
weeks, 2 fatal alcohol incidents |
You can threaten, you can punish,
you can expel but what you cannot do is change the fact that
most college students will drink and drink excessively on occasion
during their 4, 5 or, in the case of S'head, 17 years in college.
From raccoon coats to lowriders and thongs (mmm...thongs), this
has always happened and always will. That said, some of the resources
now dedicated to preventing the inevitable need to instead go
towards preparing for it.
Here goes: if your friend has
passed out (a dangerously innocuous term), the vision you need
"seared, seared" in your mind before dumping them in
the lounge and getting back to the Theta with the thong (mmm..
thong) is you being introduced to your dead friend's Mom or Dad
or little brother or little sister as the last one to see him/her
alive. |
whale tail |
David blogs
to death goliath
After almost two weeks of electronic
shock-and-awe, CBS has emerged from the spider hole waving a
white flag with a Kinkos header. During this time, the world
was largely introduced to the pajama-hideen. Turns out that,
regardless of the painful name they chose for themselves, the
blogosphere is not always ComicBookGuy from the Simpsons.
At its best (as in the CBS case), it is exponentially the most
efficient method of sharing solid information. At its worst,
it is the HeadBoard (mmm..thong). |
|
|
- Buffs looked good Sat night
but my wife
looked better
- Gators got the shiv
- Miss America conts. should only wear bikinis
(Miss Louisianna got hosed)
- Quentin carries the ball with his pootzer
then hides |
|
|
|
9/16/04 ..Back to the important
Here's a radio commercial we
would pay to hear: an OnStar call from a driver who just
saw a gas truck vaporize the weepy couple who met through eHarmony.com.
"I am (sniffle) happier than (sniffle) I've ever..."SPLAT |
|
would scare
the gas truck, Liberace and the donkey |
Final word: In the next few months,
Dan Rather will go Helen
Thomas on us, leaving CBS and the shackles that restrained
him (barely) behind. We'll finally get to hear how he really
(sniffle) feels. And we'll all be as surprised as we were to
hear that Liberace preferred the poolboy over the maid. |
|
|
9/13/04 ..Sorry Dan
Apologies to Dan Rather and
CBS for doubting their diligence
regarding the Nat Guard memos. Though everyone but his dog has
turned on him (his lab that is, the border collie blogged
doubts early on), Rather has said that the memos are genuine
because..er..um...he said so. We stand corrected.
"poppycock, just a flesh wound" |
|
|
Like we needed
another
reason to love calzones |
Bad enough dropping to 4th tier
recruiting in Cali, RamNation gets to hear Keith Jackson explain
that, were it not for fear of playing behind Marcus Houston,
LenDale White would have been playing with short curlies on his
helmet last Sat instead of a Trojan (trojan,helmet..huh..huh).
1 yard
on 5 carries for Markeesha.
Now that he is behind someone who sounds like a gastrointestinal
disorder, we are done with him here. |
|
|
9/12/04 |
Larry King fills in on the
HeadBoard |
The 2-0 Buffs - from the disgrace
of all mankind to sniffing the Top 25...crab cakes - don't you
love 'em?...gotta coach the intentional pass interference, oy
vei...I have a colon the size of a gas truck...timeout coming
out of a WSU timeout?Neuheisal!...I've never paid a dime for
pool cleaning...Sorry, Klatt has been horrible since halftime
vs CSU, don't shoot the messenger... |
|
9/10/04 |
|
(Burkhalter - medium rare O.K.?) |
Nice try. Actually, not even a
nice try.
|
|
And if we see the pantload
who sawed off his own arm one more time, we'll rip off his other
arm and beat him to death with it.
Dude is not a HERO for saving
his own life that was only in jeopardy due to his own immense
stupidity. Heros missing limbs are at Walter Reed, not bawling
on Oprah. In fact, we think we'll tell
him so. |
|
|
9/7/04 |
Proud
Mary keeps on rollin'.... |
|
DA Keenan has launched an investigation
into charges that members of the University of Colorado Football
team are directly responsible for a CSU coed's untimely death,
even though the entire team has a relatively strong alibi during
the time she intoxicated herself to the tune of .43
BAC.
At least one Ram has scoreboard. |
We wish impeached President Clinton
a speedy recovery from quad bypass surgery (makes us 50% on the
close ones this weekend).To pay our respect, we FedExed a case
of pork rinds and the latest Girls Gone Wild. Get well soon. |
|
|
|
9/5/04 |
"Screw
you guys... you're going hewmmmm"... Part II |
Cheer up petulant little fans
of the JV, life really ain't so bad. The harvest (and harvest
dance!) is just around the corner. Still a few spots available
in the porcine
insemination class. And you have a good (and good looking)
quarterback.
You guys have a nice little
team, good luck at Southern Cal.
NEWS ALERT: the NCAA has awarded Marcus Houston
(pictured at right) yet another year of elligibilty. "The
pattern of oppression in this young man's life continues."
This time by a freshman linebacker. |
|
|
|
8/26/04 |
"Screw
you guys... you're going hewmmmm"...... |
Have to admit, it kind of sucks for Spain's Olympic basketball
team. They sail through pool play undefeated and are rewarded
with a prison shower date with Team USA. Just like Spain's military
in Iraq, their basketball team high-tailed it well before their
objective was met. Ibeza awaits, GHB and thongs for all, Ole!
We're actually big fans of
this particular group of NBA zillionaires. They took the challenge
(some even campaigned for it) when others, for whatever chickenshit
reason they preferred, did not. Everything to lose, little to
gain. USA-USA...getting goosebumps, think I'll go rip down some Mexican flags.
And mornin', Govna', we didn't
forget you. The guy with the "will expose self for food"
sign at the 20th St exit ramp seems to know why you didn't run
for Nighthorse's seat so that makes everybody. Drink a lot of
Coors in the next 60 days, this "baby" is all on you. |
|
|
|
[For anyone
that missed our extensive team coverage of the bendover that
was the CU football program recruiting scandal, click
here to review.
Otherwise, it's onward and upward.]
Other takes and points of value
(all links open in new windows, simply close to return here):
Ivan Maisel
of ESPN tends to read half of the HeadBoard as indicated by the
half of the things he gets right. For years, we pointed out the
similarities between Clinton and Neuheisal. In 2002, Maisel did the same. He lauded the similarities, we didn't.
We also pointed out that no other D-1 team faces the opposition
from the city, faculty, DA, dipshit regents (read Jim Martin)
et al that this team faces. Maisel was one of few to get that part right. ESPN's Bob Lee and, surprisingly,
Bernie Goldbeg were not.
The HeadBoard is not the only
one to combine sports and politics. Footballfansfortruth.com
has not only put up a page, they formed a 527. Our content is
better and we have chicks but they got mentioned by Rush. Damn. |
|
|
|
Buff fans drink.
Lose to Baylor? They drink. Hang 62 on Nebraska? They drink (and
how). Bye week? You guessed it, they drink. Now they can see
just how well: |
|
|
1st last year,
9th this year.
Kick a school
while they're down |
We
don't expect you to memorize
his name. Hell, we can't remember
his name. So click
here
for a printable
election day reminder card, a write-in
cheat sheet complete with Buff schedule
and HeadBoard wallet babe!
(no affiliation whatsoever with
Committee to Elect Jason Savela for Boulder County District Attorney)
[FREE
HINT FOR THE CANDIDATE -
if you have any money at all, spring for those Post-it notes
that come on the front page of the Boulder Daily Camera, give
people something to put in their pocket] |
Who the hell is Jason Savela?
|
He's a write-in
candidate because he didn't get his shit together in time to
be on the ballot. |
|
Anne Heche was
a lesbian longer than he'll be a Republican |
|
At 33, the current
DA has briefs that are older |
|
He'll probably
slap a cease-and-desist on our arse if he ever sees this |
but...
...he isn't MARY KEENAN. Good enough for us, gets our vote. (now
we know how Kerry supporters feel. ABK, ABK, ABK)
UPDATE
Eureka, a website
(a really, really pathetic website):
http://www.jasonsavelaforda.org/ |
|
|
|
|